It’s been a while

Sigh.

I think I’m a little better than I was last time I wrote. If only because I’ve sort of taken care of one or two big things that were weighing heavily on me.

But I’m still struggling. And I’m worried about what is coming next. I used to embrace change, be excited about it, THRIVE on it. Now I’m just scared. Well, not 100% at least. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a smudge better. I’m looking forward to something new as far as my employment goes. Although it’s bitter sweet with the way things ended with my previous employment. But I guess that’s how it has to go sometimes.

I feel good that I stood up for myself. And I think it was helpful to know that it wasn’t just my craziness.

I’m trying to get back to my positive happy self. Or at least I’m going to try to ‘fake it till I make it’. If I force myself to smile enough, maybe eventually it will turn into a real smile.

The Intuitive Eating has been coming more naturally to me lately. Although I still have times where I eat mindlessly and start to binge. It’s different now though. I don’t take it as far as I used to. And the guilt isn’t there like it was. It feels better to be comfortable around food, and not fear it.

I’m even starting to speak out more about it to those around me.

I know I still have a long, long way to go to a healthier body. But at least I know I’m making progress on a healthier mind and that is the first step towards a healthier body. I’m ready to start working on a healthier body. Which I think is one of the reasons I’m not too freaked out about the job change. It’s close to home, so I’ll be able to walk. Which will help me get towards a healthier me. Instead of spending over two hours commuting each day, I can spend 40-50 minutes walking (20-25 min each way!). Or maybe I’ll buy a bike. But either way, it will be easier to fit in some exercise that I’m really starting to crave.

I know I can’t just throw myself into a crazy workout regime. It will turn me off and I’ll just stop. But I want to be healthy, and I know that means I need to move around more.

Baby steps…it’s all we can do.

Mental Health Mondays

Eating Disorders are one of many mental health issues. I never really considered it a mental health issue until I found myself in the middle of it. Anyhow. I wrote a blog post for my friend at BewilderedBug.com for her “Mental Health Mondays” series this week. Very fitting as this is the first week of my stress leave from work.

Pop over and check out my blog post for Mental Health Mondays on Bewildered Bug’s site at:

http://www.bewilderedbug.com/2012/02/06/mental-health-mondays-eating-disorder-not-otherwise-specified/

Wishing you all good mental health!

Bits and Pieces

I`ve spent over ten years stuffing my face with food instead of dealing with the emotions behind why I was eating.  and now I`m getting better at not stuffing my face and letting the emotions surface.  And its scary and it hurts like hell and I`m breaking down.  I don`t have time to be everything to everyone and do everything and..and..and..

And I am working on it.  I`m`doing the homework`.  I don`t want to do meds.  Those are an absolute last resort for me.  I will figure this out.  I will get through it, but I need support not accusations.  And one of the problems for me is admitting I need help.  And for sharing more than I have.  I haven`t even shared how it`s really made me feel with myself until recently.

And that`s just one more issue to add to my bottomless bucket of issues.  Being able to accept friendship, true deep friendship from someone isn`t easy for me after what happend in all my past relationships.  Everything is coming to a head right now.

I don`t want to take stress leave.  I don`t want to admit I need it.  And the last thing I wanted half an hour before I walked into the docotors was for someone to make me feel like I shouldn`t consider it as an option, that I should just buck up and deal with life.  I`ve been bucking up and dealing with life for the past 10-15 years.  And I had countless bags of chips and pizzas and cheese and sausage to help me get through it.  And i don`t know.  And I`m having a hard time finding my footing trying to find what will help me get through it.  Blogging has been a big help.  But it`s not helping me solve all the problems I need to to make room for the rest of them.

I spend my rides to and from work crying.  I dont focus on anything at work.  If I`m at work, I`m thinking of finding another job and/or starting a business…that I’ve been trying to start for over a year but I’m so damned scatterbrained I can’t even figure out what they hell it is I’m selling.  When I’m focusing on trying to fix one thing, I’m thinking about how I should be focusing on something else.  When I’m with my daughter, I can’t even enjoy being with her because all I think is I need to find another job closer to home.  I could go on writing for the next two days summarizing how each task, object I look at, stuff I smell, taste, hear..is just compounding on me.

I’m a problem-solver.  It’s what I do.  But I don’t have the time to breath, let alone try and figure out which ‘problem’ to solve first.  So, for me.  Stress leave is my best alternative.  I don’t intend to use it sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  I intend to use it to solve as many of these problems as I can so I can get to a normal and hopefully happier life.  I’ve only just begun to touch the surface of all these emotions and look at me.  How am I supposed to get to the root of them all and really deal with them if I don’t have the time working a full time job to deal with it.

People actually take years off work or school (if they are able to) to deal with eating disorders.  It’s not uncommon.  For everyone else, it can take someone up to 7 years to recover from an eatting disorder.  I think the average is two to three years for recovery.  Food is everywhere.  Food is necessary to life.  Having an eating disorder, is not like being an alcoholic or having anxiety.  You can’t just avoid or abstain from food.  You can’t just take meds and stay away from triggers.  Food is always there.  And it takes a lot of conscious effort to not eat a whole brick of cheese when you reaized you fucked up by signing something you didn’t read and you now owe Rogers an extra $420 + because you were so stupid to not read the contract.  So on top of dealing with all the emotions, I have to constantly be vigilant of my hunger levels and fullness levels to be sure I don’t slip back into that.  And while I’m working on this I’m still dealing with body image issues.

It’s exhausting…

a;osin

This nervous twitch is getting worse.  My title to this post is indicative of that.  I didn’t know what title to give this post, and I just spazzed, and that’s what came out…along with me turning on some other weird screen.

So that’s what will stay.

I see the doctor in an hour.  I don’t know what to say or expect or what I even want out of it.  I don’t want meds.  I’m worried she’s going to prescribe meds.  I don’t know…maybe I do need meds.  Just feels like another failure if I do.

Doesn’t help that it looks like the amazing housekeeper I found quit after one day.  Family emergency….who knows…

So, place is a disaster, and I’ve got a friend trying to ‘motivate’ me to do more and I just want to smack her.

DH was sweet the other night and actually asked “What can I do to help?” Huh..nice..my reply was ‘everything’.  He’s made a better attempt at cleaning the kitchen, but he has his own issues….which is just more added to my plate.

Maybe I just need to write and write and write…but one can only write so much.

My mom called…fun…just a matter of time…and I know I can`t handle her this time…not at all

Friend is getting under my skin..stop asking me questions I have no answers to!  fuck..if I knew what I wanted or hoped for i wouldn`t feel so fucking frustrated.

Thank god the tv decided to turn itself back on (it`s been dead for over a week!  Resurrected itself last night..died a bit..then came back on this morning)  just in time to babysit my daughter.

Another thing to make me feel like shit…I`m using tv to distract her so I can do stuff on the computer…sigh..

My head hurts…

Oh lovely..now she`s just telling me to get my shit together and essentially stop bitching and just do what I need to do and cut the other crap.

 

I can’t handle this

I had a break down on Thursday. I was having a pretty good week. Just came back from a group therapy session that went well. I felt like I was getting a good grasp of this Intuitive Eating thing. And I am. It’s a success, I know.

But I can’t handle everything else. I’ve been using food to cope and ignore everything around me. Now as I become more aware of what I’m feeling and why, I’m completely overwhelmed.

I had a problem with my cell phone bill. Called them, turns out I signed something I didn’t read because I was too trusting. I got mad at them, but even more mad at me. And then, looking at finances, realizing we really need more money to make ends meet. And how am I supposed to do that? Trying to balance finding a job or work that I love and enjoy while doing everything else. But that won’t bring in as much money as if I work a regular 9-5..and we’re not talking a few bucks, we’re talking a $20-30K difference.

To realizing I’m the only one who cares and who can or will do anything about.

To looking at the disaster my house is in even though I just spent $90 the day before to have someone clean it.

To getting a text message from my mother that sent me over the edge.

I sat on my kitchen floor and balled my eyes out. Banging my head on the chair leg (not hard to hurt myself, it was more the rythym of it I found soothing. Or something.
Eventually hubby came back in and saw me and I had to eventually calm down.

But things haven’t gotten better. Nothing has changed. I’ve overeatten a bit, but not to the point where I feel ill like I usually would have.

I didn’t go to work Friday. I knew if I did, I would quit, and I can’t afford to quit. We need the money. I need to make money. I don’t want to work..well, not there. I don’t want to commute. I can’t. I cry the whole way down and up.,

When I’m not with my daughter, I wish I was. When I am with her, I am busy working on the computer trying to find another job or working on a business that is not going anywhere.

I’m so scatterbrained, I don’t know where to focus my energy first. I’ve lost my ability to prioritize my life. I’ve lost control of my life.

I’m a problem solver….or at least that’s what I used to be. But I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have to call and see my medical doctor this week. I don’t want meds, I just need a break. I need to figure out what I’m going to, or rather how I’m going to get back in control of my life.

Maybe I’m afraid of going because she won’t agree with me that I need a break. Or that she’ll suggest meds. I don’t want to go on meds.

It may be postpartum depression actually. I think I’ve been avoiding admitting it. I don’t know. I’m just a mess.

But at least I’m not stuffing my face…some progress.

Intuitive Eating Principle #2: Honour Your Hunger

I think I may be having some problems with this principle lately.  Mainly because I’ve been throwing myself into work, and now I’m starting to forget to eat.  I’m becoming more mindless.

In a way it’s good though because I’m sort of getting a better sense of how it feels to really truely be hungry, instead of just thinking I should be hungry because it’s past noon.

I’m just so tired lately..fighting a cold, and fighting emotions.  Throwing myself into finding work and/or a new job so that I can end my commute.  And then hopefully that will give me more room to work on the things I need to work on.

I need some rest, that’s what my body’s telling me….maybe tomorrow…

I overate tonight, but I don’t feel that guilty

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  My commute is over an hour each way, and it means I’ll be lucky to see my daughter for two or three hours a day during the week.  It is stressing me out.  I am looking for something closer to home, but I also don’t want to just take whatever job comes up.

So today I was stressed and depressed about that.  And I was craving chocolate.  So I ate 6 mini-boxes of smarties and had two glasses of wine.

As I was debating whether or not I should, several things went through my mind…

-I want chocolate

-I want to eat

-Am I hungry? – No

-Do I really want it? – Yes

-Should I – I don’t know

-Why do I want to eat? I’m not hungry. – I’m stressed about going back to work, I’m upset about DH stuff, my knee is bothering me because I’ve gained so much weight and don’t exercise and that upsets me to.  It makes me feel unhealthy, and depressed.

– What else can I do? Ugh..don’t feel like doing anything else…I want chocolate.

-I’m upset, but eating won’t change that

-I want chocolate, it won’t make anything go away, but I still want some and I don’t want to restrict myself and then fall into that trap.

-I’ll have some, and savour each smartie and sip of wine I have.  I won’t over do it and stuff my face, but I will enjoy it.

And so I did.  Maybe I could have stopped after 3 mini-boxes instead of going for 6, but I did savour each one.  Felt the candy slowly melting on my tounge until the shell slightly cracked and I could start tasting the sweetness of chocolate seeping through and felt the thick creaminess of chocolate on my tounge.

At least I was mindful, I didn’t feel deprived.  I didn’t eat twelve boxes like I otherwise might have.  I enjoyed my wine and the slight buzz it has given me.  Just enough to help me drift off to sleep instead of staying up thinking about how I have to go to work tomorrow and that my knee bothers me etc…

I didn’t make the best choice tonight.  But at least I stopped to think about it.  Be mindful about it.  And while I did maybe use food to cope tonight, I did it consciously knowing that I did have another option, but didn’t feel like doing that tonight. I just wanted a moment to enjoy some chocolate and wine.  And I did.

I survived the Holidays

Well, it’s January 2nd and I’m the same person I was about ten days ago. But the difference is that I managed to survive though the holidays without being obsessed about food and my weight. Well I had some help since I had two wisdom teeth out.

Overall though, I had some great successes the last few days. While I still have body image issues to deal with and need more motivation to get fit and healthy (not skinny and lighter!), I’m definitely doing better at not using food to cope.

It’s going to be a year of challenges and positive changes.

And Stress level is rising….

Or maybe it’s anxtiety.  I’m not sure.  Either way, I feel it rising.  I’m waiting on some big news but by 5pm today I knew I would now have to wait until Monday.  Ughhh!

Then again, maybe it’s good to wait.  It’s probably bad (or not the wonderful news I want to hear at least).  Add to that Christmas stress because I have to buy all the gifts and give a damn about any of it.  I have no Christmas decorations up.  This is my daughter’s second Christmas, (or the first one she could appreciate).  And instead of having pretty christmas lights and a tree (or anything that could resemble a tree), I have nothing.  Okay, I still have a few jack o’lantern candles out from Halloween.  What?  Halloween? What is wrong with me?

It would take a total of 50 seconds to take the candles, bring them to the basement and put them in the box they belong.  And everytime I go in the bathroom I see them sitting there.  A blatant reminder of the fact I’m lazy and can’t complete even the simplest of tasks.

I’m getting my wisdom teeth out next Thursday.  Two days before Christmas Eve.  There is a good reason, I assure you.  It was the only good day I could get.   And as that day approaches, my anxiety is going up just thinking about it.  I’m worried that just by the mere fact I’m going to need others’ help, it will make me feel even worse about myself.  That I won’t be able to put my daughter to sleep (because I’m worried she’ll headbutt me in the jaw..ouch! that others will need to take care of me and as much as I perhaps want to be taken care of (as I’ve recently discovered….I think)…I don’t want to burden others.

I think the only bright side is that I won’t be able to stuff my face with stuff.  Not that it has been a major issue lately, infact in some cases I feel like I’m waiting too long to eat now.  But I think it’s more because food isn’t readily available and I’m distracted by other things.

I’m feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.  But at least I’m feeling and not eating.  (or if I do, at least I’m more aware of it).

Don’t ask me why I used so many brackets in today’s post.

Okay..I’m going to do it.  Wait here for 50 seconds….

Okay, it was a bit more than 50 seconds  (I know, you wouldn’t have known the difference if it was 50 seconds or 5 hours…again with the brackets! What is with me?)  only because I got a phone call as I was on my way to the bathroom. But instead of turning around to sit my ass on the couch again, I kept going and grabbed those six candles (and another decorative pumpkin I missed…last brackets I promise!) and put them in the box in the basement!

Yay for me!  I accomplished something today.  Small wins…one thing at a time…

Intuitive Eating Principle #1-Reject The Diet Mentality

I am going to work my way through each Intuitive Eating Principle and where I am with each one.  As I master one, I will move on to the next.  Or then go back a step or two, but I’m going to start at the begining because it’s the one that drew me to this philosophy in the first place.

REJECT THE DIET MENTALITY

I have never been successful on a diet.  I think the longest I lasted was three months.  The most I ever lost on a diet was probalby around 30 lbs.  Isn’t that great?  Sure, it would be if I could have kept it off.

Diet’s are not sustainable.  The very nature of a diet sets you up to fail and then feel like shit about your self, so you start eating again.

The craziest diet I ever tried was the Dr. Poon Metabolic Diet. (No Dr. Bernstein for me, I was never that insane).  This one was actually recommended to me by my DOCTOR!!! OMG, from what I’ve learned since then, I can’t BELIEVE a medical professional would recommend (let alone lead) this type of diet.  I ate only MEAT and a few green vegetables (lettuce, green peppers, celery) for a month!  And I also could have no salt!  I lost 20 lbs, and then started eating other things because I couldn’t stand the restriction.  Of course I felt like a complete failure for not being able to stick to it.  Luckily I managed to get pregnant just after I ‘fell off the wagon’.

My mother constantly makes it seem like all I have to do is eat less and exercise more, and that is how simple it is.  But it`s not when you have an eating disorder is it?

I actually haven’t been on that many ‘diets’.  I don’t think I ever really believed in them.  I think I always had the thought in the back of my mind “Why can’t I just eat normally?”  But on a diet I would go, because I couldn’t just eat normally.  Maybe sticking to this plan, or writing everything down, or counting calories or points will help me lose weight.  But ultimately I couldn’t STICK to it for very long.  It was just too much work.  And if other things in my life came up, it just compounded the problem.

And then I felt even worse than before, gained it all back and then some…

I am so done with diets.  It was a relief to walk into my first therapy session and have someone affirm for me that diets don’t work, and I don’t need to go on any more diets.

It’s still not a walk in the park though.  The stuff I’m going to have to deal with is so much harder than dieting.  So much more real.  So much more painful.

I’ll get through it though.

I’m proud that I’ve rejected the diet mentality and that I’m doing my best to fight off those who keep trying to push it on me.