It’s been a while

Sigh.

I think I’m a little better than I was last time I wrote. If only because I’ve sort of taken care of one or two big things that were weighing heavily on me.

But I’m still struggling. And I’m worried about what is coming next. I used to embrace change, be excited about it, THRIVE on it. Now I’m just scared. Well, not 100% at least. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a smudge better. I’m looking forward to something new as far as my employment goes. Although it’s bitter sweet with the way things ended with my previous employment. But I guess that’s how it has to go sometimes.

I feel good that I stood up for myself. And I think it was helpful to know that it wasn’t just my craziness.

I’m trying to get back to my positive happy self. Or at least I’m going to try to ‘fake it till I make it’. If I force myself to smile enough, maybe eventually it will turn into a real smile.

The Intuitive Eating has been coming more naturally to me lately. Although I still have times where I eat mindlessly and start to binge. It’s different now though. I don’t take it as far as I used to. And the guilt isn’t there like it was. It feels better to be comfortable around food, and not fear it.

I’m even starting to speak out more about it to those around me.

I know I still have a long, long way to go to a healthier body. But at least I know I’m making progress on a healthier mind and that is the first step towards a healthier body. I’m ready to start working on a healthier body. Which I think is one of the reasons I’m not too freaked out about the job change. It’s close to home, so I’ll be able to walk. Which will help me get towards a healthier me. Instead of spending over two hours commuting each day, I can spend 40-50 minutes walking (20-25 min each way!). Or maybe I’ll buy a bike. But either way, it will be easier to fit in some exercise that I’m really starting to crave.

I know I can’t just throw myself into a crazy workout regime. It will turn me off and I’ll just stop. But I want to be healthy, and I know that means I need to move around more.

Baby steps…it’s all we can do.

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Intuitive Eating Principle #2: Honour Your Hunger

I think I may be having some problems with this principle lately.  Mainly because I’ve been throwing myself into work, and now I’m starting to forget to eat.  I’m becoming more mindless.

In a way it’s good though because I’m sort of getting a better sense of how it feels to really truely be hungry, instead of just thinking I should be hungry because it’s past noon.

I’m just so tired lately..fighting a cold, and fighting emotions.  Throwing myself into finding work and/or a new job so that I can end my commute.  And then hopefully that will give me more room to work on the things I need to work on.

I need some rest, that’s what my body’s telling me….maybe tomorrow…

I overate tonight, but I don’t feel that guilty

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  My commute is over an hour each way, and it means I’ll be lucky to see my daughter for two or three hours a day during the week.  It is stressing me out.  I am looking for something closer to home, but I also don’t want to just take whatever job comes up.

So today I was stressed and depressed about that.  And I was craving chocolate.  So I ate 6 mini-boxes of smarties and had two glasses of wine.

As I was debating whether or not I should, several things went through my mind…

-I want chocolate

-I want to eat

-Am I hungry? – No

-Do I really want it? – Yes

-Should I – I don’t know

-Why do I want to eat? I’m not hungry. – I’m stressed about going back to work, I’m upset about DH stuff, my knee is bothering me because I’ve gained so much weight and don’t exercise and that upsets me to.  It makes me feel unhealthy, and depressed.

– What else can I do? Ugh..don’t feel like doing anything else…I want chocolate.

-I’m upset, but eating won’t change that

-I want chocolate, it won’t make anything go away, but I still want some and I don’t want to restrict myself and then fall into that trap.

-I’ll have some, and savour each smartie and sip of wine I have.  I won’t over do it and stuff my face, but I will enjoy it.

And so I did.  Maybe I could have stopped after 3 mini-boxes instead of going for 6, but I did savour each one.  Felt the candy slowly melting on my tounge until the shell slightly cracked and I could start tasting the sweetness of chocolate seeping through and felt the thick creaminess of chocolate on my tounge.

At least I was mindful, I didn’t feel deprived.  I didn’t eat twelve boxes like I otherwise might have.  I enjoyed my wine and the slight buzz it has given me.  Just enough to help me drift off to sleep instead of staying up thinking about how I have to go to work tomorrow and that my knee bothers me etc…

I didn’t make the best choice tonight.  But at least I stopped to think about it.  Be mindful about it.  And while I did maybe use food to cope tonight, I did it consciously knowing that I did have another option, but didn’t feel like doing that tonight. I just wanted a moment to enjoy some chocolate and wine.  And I did.

I survived the Holidays

Well, it’s January 2nd and I’m the same person I was about ten days ago. But the difference is that I managed to survive though the holidays without being obsessed about food and my weight. Well I had some help since I had two wisdom teeth out.

Overall though, I had some great successes the last few days. While I still have body image issues to deal with and need more motivation to get fit and healthy (not skinny and lighter!), I’m definitely doing better at not using food to cope.

It’s going to be a year of challenges and positive changes.

Intuitive Eating Principle #1-Reject The Diet Mentality

I am going to work my way through each Intuitive Eating Principle and where I am with each one.  As I master one, I will move on to the next.  Or then go back a step or two, but I’m going to start at the begining because it’s the one that drew me to this philosophy in the first place.

REJECT THE DIET MENTALITY

I have never been successful on a diet.  I think the longest I lasted was three months.  The most I ever lost on a diet was probalby around 30 lbs.  Isn’t that great?  Sure, it would be if I could have kept it off.

Diet’s are not sustainable.  The very nature of a diet sets you up to fail and then feel like shit about your self, so you start eating again.

The craziest diet I ever tried was the Dr. Poon Metabolic Diet. (No Dr. Bernstein for me, I was never that insane).  This one was actually recommended to me by my DOCTOR!!! OMG, from what I’ve learned since then, I can’t BELIEVE a medical professional would recommend (let alone lead) this type of diet.  I ate only MEAT and a few green vegetables (lettuce, green peppers, celery) for a month!  And I also could have no salt!  I lost 20 lbs, and then started eating other things because I couldn’t stand the restriction.  Of course I felt like a complete failure for not being able to stick to it.  Luckily I managed to get pregnant just after I ‘fell off the wagon’.

My mother constantly makes it seem like all I have to do is eat less and exercise more, and that is how simple it is.  But it`s not when you have an eating disorder is it?

I actually haven’t been on that many ‘diets’.  I don’t think I ever really believed in them.  I think I always had the thought in the back of my mind “Why can’t I just eat normally?”  But on a diet I would go, because I couldn’t just eat normally.  Maybe sticking to this plan, or writing everything down, or counting calories or points will help me lose weight.  But ultimately I couldn’t STICK to it for very long.  It was just too much work.  And if other things in my life came up, it just compounded the problem.

And then I felt even worse than before, gained it all back and then some…

I am so done with diets.  It was a relief to walk into my first therapy session and have someone affirm for me that diets don’t work, and I don’t need to go on any more diets.

It’s still not a walk in the park though.  The stuff I’m going to have to deal with is so much harder than dieting.  So much more real.  So much more painful.

I’ll get through it though.

I’m proud that I’ve rejected the diet mentality and that I’m doing my best to fight off those who keep trying to push it on me.

I have an eating disorder.

I have an eating disorder.  I have an eating disorder.  I have an eating disorder. I have an eating disorder.

I do.  I have an eating disorder. That is what I learned today.  That is what I have to accept today.  I have to believe it.  I have to accept it.  Just like an alcoholic has to admit they have a disease and they need help.  Really? I have an eating disorder?

Almost six months of therapy…it’s taken this long for me to really understand that I have an eating disorder?  I know I have a poor relationship with food.  I know I’m an emotional eater.  I know I eat mindlessly.  I know I make poor choices.  I know I have a mental block when it comes to exercising and eating the right amount.  I understand the principles.  But I can’t quite understand that I have AN EATING DISORDER.

I am learning how to eat.  I am spending thousands of dollars to have someone teach me how to eat like a normal person.  Doesn’t that sound crazy?  But it’s not, is it? I’m not the only one in this situation.  In fact I just met someone who is in pretty much the exact same position as me.

I thought six months ago was the beginning of this journey.  But it wasn’t.  It’s starting now.  It’s something I have to get serious about.  It’s not something that will just miraculously start happening to me because I go in and talk to someone once a week.  I have to work at it.  I have to practice it.  I have to learn it.  I have to understand it.

This is where it starts.  And this is why I’m here.  In all the hard times when I was young, I’d write.  Because there was no one else.  It was all I could do to manage and cope with the minor things in my life that felt huge to me.  I’m a super-feeler.  But all my life I’ve been  forced to not feel.  I should always put on a face.  I needed to be strong to not hurt someone’s feelings.  I didn’t want to hurt someone else because it would hurt me.  So I ate.  No…wait…first I’d write…before I had the access to the food…I’d write.  It’s what got me through grade school and most of highschool.  Although in high-school I was more likely to be writing a letter to someone instead of to a diary.  But I would write.

So, on this journey I’m starting, that’s what I need to do again.  I have to write.  I have to blog.  And I’m not ready to share my identity.  I’m not sure what my identity is.

Hopefully that is what I will learn as this goes along….it’s going to be a long ride.