It’s been a while

Sigh.

I think I’m a little better than I was last time I wrote. If only because I’ve sort of taken care of one or two big things that were weighing heavily on me.

But I’m still struggling. And I’m worried about what is coming next. I used to embrace change, be excited about it, THRIVE on it. Now I’m just scared. Well, not 100% at least. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a smudge better. I’m looking forward to something new as far as my employment goes. Although it’s bitter sweet with the way things ended with my previous employment. But I guess that’s how it has to go sometimes.

I feel good that I stood up for myself. And I think it was helpful to know that it wasn’t just my craziness.

I’m trying to get back to my positive happy self. Or at least I’m going to try to ‘fake it till I make it’. If I force myself to smile enough, maybe eventually it will turn into a real smile.

The Intuitive Eating has been coming more naturally to me lately. Although I still have times where I eat mindlessly and start to binge. It’s different now though. I don’t take it as far as I used to. And the guilt isn’t there like it was. It feels better to be comfortable around food, and not fear it.

I’m even starting to speak out more about it to those around me.

I know I still have a long, long way to go to a healthier body. But at least I know I’m making progress on a healthier mind and that is the first step towards a healthier body. I’m ready to start working on a healthier body. Which I think is one of the reasons I’m not too freaked out about the job change. It’s close to home, so I’ll be able to walk. Which will help me get towards a healthier me. Instead of spending over two hours commuting each day, I can spend 40-50 minutes walking (20-25 min each way!). Or maybe I’ll buy a bike. But either way, it will be easier to fit in some exercise that I’m really starting to crave.

I know I can’t just throw myself into a crazy workout regime. It will turn me off and I’ll just stop. But I want to be healthy, and I know that means I need to move around more.

Baby steps…it’s all we can do.

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The Fridge Door

I open the fridge door. I look inside. I see the cheese. I just want to take the whole brick and eat it. I want to eat the left over chicken. The pasta. The chips in the cupboard. The chocolates on the counter, and the rest that are hidden. I want to drink till I fall asleep.

I stand at the fridge door, looking inside. And know that none of them will really satisfy me. No matter if I eat it all. Progress I suppose.

But I don’t want to feel this. Anything but this. Just keep breathing. One breath at a time. It’s just feelings, emotions. They will pass. They will get stronger, ease up, and eventually i will push them to a place where I can take the next breath. And then the next.

And maybe one day I will get to have several breaths in a row with out it being a chore.

I feel like I’m drowning, and all I want is to just get out of the water and walk. Fuck swimming..I’ll just take a boat. Just give me the boat. Where is the fucking boat?

I just want to breath.

I don’t want to eat. But I do want to. But not because I’m hungry. Because I hope that it will make this pain go away. I know it won’t, so what’s the point. It doesn’t work like it used to. Again, progress I suppose. Something to be happy about? But it’s not enough.

So here I am writing, hoping it will ease some of the pain and let me take a couple breaths so my head doesn’t explode.

One breath at a time. Standing in front of the fridge door.

This is fricken hard

I said I was never going to get on the scale again, but something compelled me to get on. I now weigh about 60 lbs more than I did two weeks after I had my daughter. That’s about 10lbs more than the last time I checked. I don’t care about the numbers. But this isn’t healthy. I’m starting to get scared. I know I have a good grip on this Intuitive Eating thing. I know I’m not 100% there yet, but it’s been at least nine months that I’ve been doing okay, and not binge eating. Maybe I’ve only done it once or twice. A far cry from every day.

Why am I still GAINING weight? WTF?

And then there is everything else. It’s so hard. Difficult. I’m so far from dealing with the root of my problems it seems and I don’t know how I’m going to get there if it’s this painful at the surface. I’ve been off work for almost a month now. The thought of having to deal with all this and having to focus on a job and commute and only two hours a day of seeing my daughter, and maybe 15 minutes to myself..how am I supposed to get better? I don’t want to take meds…but what if they make me go back to work? I’ve been spending my time trying to make it so that I don’t have to go back…but I don’t think it’s an option.

I can’t not go back…I need to make money…and nothing better has come along yet. Maybe I need to switch back to looking for a regualr full-time job closer to home. That makes me shake…physically shake.

I don’t want to deal with it. I want to bury my head in a bag of chips or just curl up into a ball and sleep for a week. I don’t want to keep feeling challenged at each turn. I want peace. I want to be happy. I’m not happy. Except for when I watch DD dancing, or playing so innocently.

I’m so scared I’m going to mess her up with my mess. I have to clean up my mess before I screw her up. She is so sweet and affectionate, and kind, and beautiful. And I’m going to mess it up. I’m so scared I’m going to mess it all up. Maybe I already have.

Ok..time to pull it together, DD is home..

Bits and Pieces

I`ve spent over ten years stuffing my face with food instead of dealing with the emotions behind why I was eating.  and now I`m getting better at not stuffing my face and letting the emotions surface.  And its scary and it hurts like hell and I`m breaking down.  I don`t have time to be everything to everyone and do everything and..and..and..

And I am working on it.  I`m`doing the homework`.  I don`t want to do meds.  Those are an absolute last resort for me.  I will figure this out.  I will get through it, but I need support not accusations.  And one of the problems for me is admitting I need help.  And for sharing more than I have.  I haven`t even shared how it`s really made me feel with myself until recently.

And that`s just one more issue to add to my bottomless bucket of issues.  Being able to accept friendship, true deep friendship from someone isn`t easy for me after what happend in all my past relationships.  Everything is coming to a head right now.

I don`t want to take stress leave.  I don`t want to admit I need it.  And the last thing I wanted half an hour before I walked into the docotors was for someone to make me feel like I shouldn`t consider it as an option, that I should just buck up and deal with life.  I`ve been bucking up and dealing with life for the past 10-15 years.  And I had countless bags of chips and pizzas and cheese and sausage to help me get through it.  And i don`t know.  And I`m having a hard time finding my footing trying to find what will help me get through it.  Blogging has been a big help.  But it`s not helping me solve all the problems I need to to make room for the rest of them.

I spend my rides to and from work crying.  I dont focus on anything at work.  If I`m at work, I`m thinking of finding another job and/or starting a business…that I’ve been trying to start for over a year but I’m so damned scatterbrained I can’t even figure out what they hell it is I’m selling.  When I’m focusing on trying to fix one thing, I’m thinking about how I should be focusing on something else.  When I’m with my daughter, I can’t even enjoy being with her because all I think is I need to find another job closer to home.  I could go on writing for the next two days summarizing how each task, object I look at, stuff I smell, taste, hear..is just compounding on me.

I’m a problem-solver.  It’s what I do.  But I don’t have the time to breath, let alone try and figure out which ‘problem’ to solve first.  So, for me.  Stress leave is my best alternative.  I don’t intend to use it sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  I intend to use it to solve as many of these problems as I can so I can get to a normal and hopefully happier life.  I’ve only just begun to touch the surface of all these emotions and look at me.  How am I supposed to get to the root of them all and really deal with them if I don’t have the time working a full time job to deal with it.

People actually take years off work or school (if they are able to) to deal with eating disorders.  It’s not uncommon.  For everyone else, it can take someone up to 7 years to recover from an eatting disorder.  I think the average is two to three years for recovery.  Food is everywhere.  Food is necessary to life.  Having an eating disorder, is not like being an alcoholic or having anxiety.  You can’t just avoid or abstain from food.  You can’t just take meds and stay away from triggers.  Food is always there.  And it takes a lot of conscious effort to not eat a whole brick of cheese when you reaized you fucked up by signing something you didn’t read and you now owe Rogers an extra $420 + because you were so stupid to not read the contract.  So on top of dealing with all the emotions, I have to constantly be vigilant of my hunger levels and fullness levels to be sure I don’t slip back into that.  And while I’m working on this I’m still dealing with body image issues.

It’s exhausting…

a;osin

This nervous twitch is getting worse.  My title to this post is indicative of that.  I didn’t know what title to give this post, and I just spazzed, and that’s what came out…along with me turning on some other weird screen.

So that’s what will stay.

I see the doctor in an hour.  I don’t know what to say or expect or what I even want out of it.  I don’t want meds.  I’m worried she’s going to prescribe meds.  I don’t know…maybe I do need meds.  Just feels like another failure if I do.

Doesn’t help that it looks like the amazing housekeeper I found quit after one day.  Family emergency….who knows…

So, place is a disaster, and I’ve got a friend trying to ‘motivate’ me to do more and I just want to smack her.

DH was sweet the other night and actually asked “What can I do to help?” Huh..nice..my reply was ‘everything’.  He’s made a better attempt at cleaning the kitchen, but he has his own issues….which is just more added to my plate.

Maybe I just need to write and write and write…but one can only write so much.

My mom called…fun…just a matter of time…and I know I can`t handle her this time…not at all

Friend is getting under my skin..stop asking me questions I have no answers to!  fuck..if I knew what I wanted or hoped for i wouldn`t feel so fucking frustrated.

Thank god the tv decided to turn itself back on (it`s been dead for over a week!  Resurrected itself last night..died a bit..then came back on this morning)  just in time to babysit my daughter.

Another thing to make me feel like shit…I`m using tv to distract her so I can do stuff on the computer…sigh..

My head hurts…

Oh lovely..now she`s just telling me to get my shit together and essentially stop bitching and just do what I need to do and cut the other crap.

 

Random Rant

I’m starting to cringe at things.  You probably wouldn’t notice if you were around me.  And I’m finding there is a lot of stuff setting me off.  It’s becoming impossible to live in my house..even though I”ve hired a housekeeper. What’s the point in spending the money when the house is a disaster again within 12 hours?  Mention the word diet to me and I’ll tell you how I feel about them.  If you insist on keeping talking about dieting and eating habits, I start to shut down and I’ll do my best to smile and nod at you.  So far I haven’t started yelling at someone to SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON”T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STUPID DIETING PHILOSOPHIES WHEN I”M IN THE MIDDLE OF DEALING WITH AN EATING DISORDER!  I don’t have the capacity to deal with it.

I’m on the verge of a fight with my mother.  I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.  I have to make my way to work after having only been in the office since Thursday.  I have today, Wednesday and Friday off too..so I really should try to make an appearance tomorrow.

Booked an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.  I need Dr.’s notes anyhow for massage and orthotics.  But I really need a break.  I can’t tell my parents though.  They have a problem with me taking a sick day for a legitimate cold.  Very old fashioned mentalitiy.  I can’t take it.

 

I can’t handle this

I had a break down on Thursday. I was having a pretty good week. Just came back from a group therapy session that went well. I felt like I was getting a good grasp of this Intuitive Eating thing. And I am. It’s a success, I know.

But I can’t handle everything else. I’ve been using food to cope and ignore everything around me. Now as I become more aware of what I’m feeling and why, I’m completely overwhelmed.

I had a problem with my cell phone bill. Called them, turns out I signed something I didn’t read because I was too trusting. I got mad at them, but even more mad at me. And then, looking at finances, realizing we really need more money to make ends meet. And how am I supposed to do that? Trying to balance finding a job or work that I love and enjoy while doing everything else. But that won’t bring in as much money as if I work a regular 9-5..and we’re not talking a few bucks, we’re talking a $20-30K difference.

To realizing I’m the only one who cares and who can or will do anything about.

To looking at the disaster my house is in even though I just spent $90 the day before to have someone clean it.

To getting a text message from my mother that sent me over the edge.

I sat on my kitchen floor and balled my eyes out. Banging my head on the chair leg (not hard to hurt myself, it was more the rythym of it I found soothing. Or something.
Eventually hubby came back in and saw me and I had to eventually calm down.

But things haven’t gotten better. Nothing has changed. I’ve overeatten a bit, but not to the point where I feel ill like I usually would have.

I didn’t go to work Friday. I knew if I did, I would quit, and I can’t afford to quit. We need the money. I need to make money. I don’t want to work..well, not there. I don’t want to commute. I can’t. I cry the whole way down and up.,

When I’m not with my daughter, I wish I was. When I am with her, I am busy working on the computer trying to find another job or working on a business that is not going anywhere.

I’m so scatterbrained, I don’t know where to focus my energy first. I’ve lost my ability to prioritize my life. I’ve lost control of my life.

I’m a problem solver….or at least that’s what I used to be. But I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have to call and see my medical doctor this week. I don’t want meds, I just need a break. I need to figure out what I’m going to, or rather how I’m going to get back in control of my life.

Maybe I’m afraid of going because she won’t agree with me that I need a break. Or that she’ll suggest meds. I don’t want to go on meds.

It may be postpartum depression actually. I think I’ve been avoiding admitting it. I don’t know. I’m just a mess.

But at least I’m not stuffing my face…some progress.