The Fridge Door

I open the fridge door. I look inside. I see the cheese. I just want to take the whole brick and eat it. I want to eat the left over chicken. The pasta. The chips in the cupboard. The chocolates on the counter, and the rest that are hidden. I want to drink till I fall asleep.

I stand at the fridge door, looking inside. And know that none of them will really satisfy me. No matter if I eat it all. Progress I suppose.

But I don’t want to feel this. Anything but this. Just keep breathing. One breath at a time. It’s just feelings, emotions. They will pass. They will get stronger, ease up, and eventually i will push them to a place where I can take the next breath. And then the next.

And maybe one day I will get to have several breaths in a row with out it being a chore.

I feel like I’m drowning, and all I want is to just get out of the water and walk. Fuck swimming..I’ll just take a boat. Just give me the boat. Where is the fucking boat?

I just want to breath.

I don’t want to eat. But I do want to. But not because I’m hungry. Because I hope that it will make this pain go away. I know it won’t, so what’s the point. It doesn’t work like it used to. Again, progress I suppose. Something to be happy about? But it’s not enough.

So here I am writing, hoping it will ease some of the pain and let me take a couple breaths so my head doesn’t explode.

One breath at a time. Standing in front of the fridge door.

Advertisements

So what about Meds?

My therapist seems to think I’m managing well.  I’ve been making some decisions, or rather they were kind of made for me.

I’m still stressed out.  I’m nervous at what is coming.  I am usually excited about change and whatever is new on the horizon, but this time I’m scared.I’m worried I won’t be able to handle everything that is about to come my way.  I’m worried I won’t be able to make finances work, or keep it together for my possible new job.

And I don’t remember what it was specifically, but I thought, but maybe I don’t have to be this miserable.  I know Cipralex isn’t a magic pill or anything, and I don’t want a happy pill.  I just want to be able to breath. I want some peace.  I try to do that without meds, but it’s only barely working and I still feel like I’m hanging on to my sanity by a thread..or with the help of my daughter’s smile.  I’m not sure which.

I try to meditate, and go for massages.  I’m trying to start walking more.  Sort of.  And I feel like I’m slowly getting it together.  But I’m exhausted.  I need a break but I’m on a break!

And soon I’ll have to start a regular job again.  I’m scared I won’t be able to keep it together.  

And then stuff blows up and I just don’t know if I can manage.

So I’m debating going on the meds.  So it can be a little easier to work through.  I guess, it’s not the being on meds part that worries me right now, it’s the ‘how am I going to react to the meds’.  What if I have some horrible reaction to them? Or what if I space out the way DH did for a week when he was first on them.  I can’t afford to not be fully functional and be me.  Then again, I don’t really feel like I’m me right now either.

I think I’m tired of making decisions.

And as much as I love sunshine..I really don’t like being sweaty..and that’s kind of ticking me off right now too.

Can someone please make me stop bitching!  I’m getting tired of hearing myself bitch!

 

Why does it always feel like everything happens at once

It’s been a fucking roller coaster the past week. I don’t know how I managed to survive it really. Maybe because the ride is still moving.

All I really want to do is eat. I just want to go to the store and buy three bags of chips and sit on my couch and eat them.

I want my life back, so I’m not going to do that. I need to make some changes. Not even that….stuff just needs to get decided and I need to focus. I need to decide to be happy maybe. I don’t know.

I need to re-learn what makes me happy? I went to a workshop the other day and was balling my eyes out when the guy said everyone’s definition of success should be ‘to be happy’.

I want that kind of success. I want the kind of success that makes me happy to jump out of bed in the morning. I don’t think I’ve ever had that..have I? If I did it feels like forever ago.

Why do I feel like more than a mess than ever? Hhmm..maybe has to do with the fact that as my employer was threatening to fire me in not so few words…all I could think was, ‘Great…someone else I’ve let down.’

I just can’t focus on anything. If I”m doing one thing, I think about the other thing I should be doing. I feel like I have ADD, but I don’t think that’s what it is. I used to be so with it. What the fuck happened?

Where did my happy go?

I’m not happy.

And there are many reasons…I think. Or maybe there are none. I don’t konw. But I do know one thing.

I lost my happy somewhere along the way.

I was driving on Friday. A song came on and I cried. It was ‘You Shook Me all night long..” That used to be one of my happy songs. It used to be one of the songs I would always have to dance to. I would always sing along. It would always make me smile. I’m not sure why it used to do that to me, but it did. A lot of songs did.

But not anymore.

I used to love dancing. Now I just love the thought of it. If even.

I used to be happy. Where did my happy go?

I’m doing okay

I’m not being perfect with food… but I’m better. It was my birthday last week. And I think it’s the best one I’ve had in a long time. Everyone really made me feel special. Or maybe I let myself let them make me feel special.Does that make sense?

The “Twitershpere” is an amazing place. I can’t even count how many people wished me a happy birthday. People I’ve never even met said really sweet things about me.

I think I’m slowly moving towards the right direction. I know I’m not being perfect with eating Intuitively. But I know I’m doing so much better than I was six months ago. And I’m proud of that. I’m not expecting a huge change overnight. I’m starting to be a bit happier being me. I think I’m getting a little bit of my confidence back, and I’m going to get back on track.

I know I still have some hard times ahead, but I know I won’t be using food as a crutch anymore.

As much as I’ve been focusing on ‘me’ I haven’t been focusing on ‘me. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense. I think I’ve been trying to fix the causes of stress as I see them instead of trying to work on the deep down inside stuff. I will try to focus on that more this week and next.

My time is running out for my stress leave, and I need to secure an income source, so there is only so much working on ‘me’ I can do right now. At the very least, I have been meditating more, at least once a day, even if it’s only for 5 minutes in the car before a meeting. I’ll do whatever I can. I feel so much better once I have. My heart isn’t racing as quickly, my mind isn’t as jumbled up, I don’t feel so on edge and more. I feel like it’s been calming me down, and I’ve been less likely to go into panic mode when DD starts freaking out or my mother says something abnoxious. It is definately something I want to keep doing, especially in the short term, until I have more time to work on my bigger issues.

Good things are coming. That’s what I’m holding on to today.

I need to be more mindful

I’m not being mindful. I’m falling back to using food. I need to write more but don’t seem to have the time.

I think things are slowly coming together, but my life is still far from being manageable.

I need to seriously evaluate how I handle the relationships in my life. I feel like a constant disappointment to those around me. I don’t mean to be mean or harsh, but I don’t know how else to react sometimes. There is always so much more than what sits at the surface of things.

a;osin

This nervous twitch is getting worse.  My title to this post is indicative of that.  I didn’t know what title to give this post, and I just spazzed, and that’s what came out…along with me turning on some other weird screen.

So that’s what will stay.

I see the doctor in an hour.  I don’t know what to say or expect or what I even want out of it.  I don’t want meds.  I’m worried she’s going to prescribe meds.  I don’t know…maybe I do need meds.  Just feels like another failure if I do.

Doesn’t help that it looks like the amazing housekeeper I found quit after one day.  Family emergency….who knows…

So, place is a disaster, and I’ve got a friend trying to ‘motivate’ me to do more and I just want to smack her.

DH was sweet the other night and actually asked “What can I do to help?” Huh..nice..my reply was ‘everything’.  He’s made a better attempt at cleaning the kitchen, but he has his own issues….which is just more added to my plate.

Maybe I just need to write and write and write…but one can only write so much.

My mom called…fun…just a matter of time…and I know I can`t handle her this time…not at all

Friend is getting under my skin..stop asking me questions I have no answers to!  fuck..if I knew what I wanted or hoped for i wouldn`t feel so fucking frustrated.

Thank god the tv decided to turn itself back on (it`s been dead for over a week!  Resurrected itself last night..died a bit..then came back on this morning)  just in time to babysit my daughter.

Another thing to make me feel like shit…I`m using tv to distract her so I can do stuff on the computer…sigh..

My head hurts…

Oh lovely..now she`s just telling me to get my shit together and essentially stop bitching and just do what I need to do and cut the other crap.