It’s been a while

Sigh.

I think I’m a little better than I was last time I wrote. If only because I’ve sort of taken care of one or two big things that were weighing heavily on me.

But I’m still struggling. And I’m worried about what is coming next. I used to embrace change, be excited about it, THRIVE on it. Now I’m just scared. Well, not 100% at least. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a smudge better. I’m looking forward to something new as far as my employment goes. Although it’s bitter sweet with the way things ended with my previous employment. But I guess that’s how it has to go sometimes.

I feel good that I stood up for myself. And I think it was helpful to know that it wasn’t just my craziness.

I’m trying to get back to my positive happy self. Or at least I’m going to try to ‘fake it till I make it’. If I force myself to smile enough, maybe eventually it will turn into a real smile.

The Intuitive Eating has been coming more naturally to me lately. Although I still have times where I eat mindlessly and start to binge. It’s different now though. I don’t take it as far as I used to. And the guilt isn’t there like it was. It feels better to be comfortable around food, and not fear it.

I’m even starting to speak out more about it to those around me.

I know I still have a long, long way to go to a healthier body. But at least I know I’m making progress on a healthier mind and that is the first step towards a healthier body. I’m ready to start working on a healthier body. Which I think is one of the reasons I’m not too freaked out about the job change. It’s close to home, so I’ll be able to walk. Which will help me get towards a healthier me. Instead of spending over two hours commuting each day, I can spend 40-50 minutes walking (20-25 min each way!). Or maybe I’ll buy a bike. But either way, it will be easier to fit in some exercise that I’m really starting to crave.

I know I can’t just throw myself into a crazy workout regime. It will turn me off and I’ll just stop. But I want to be healthy, and I know that means I need to move around more.

Baby steps…it’s all we can do.

The Fridge Door

I open the fridge door. I look inside. I see the cheese. I just want to take the whole brick and eat it. I want to eat the left over chicken. The pasta. The chips in the cupboard. The chocolates on the counter, and the rest that are hidden. I want to drink till I fall asleep.

I stand at the fridge door, looking inside. And know that none of them will really satisfy me. No matter if I eat it all. Progress I suppose.

But I don’t want to feel this. Anything but this. Just keep breathing. One breath at a time. It’s just feelings, emotions. They will pass. They will get stronger, ease up, and eventually i will push them to a place where I can take the next breath. And then the next.

And maybe one day I will get to have several breaths in a row with out it being a chore.

I feel like I’m drowning, and all I want is to just get out of the water and walk. Fuck swimming..I’ll just take a boat. Just give me the boat. Where is the fucking boat?

I just want to breath.

I don’t want to eat. But I do want to. But not because I’m hungry. Because I hope that it will make this pain go away. I know it won’t, so what’s the point. It doesn’t work like it used to. Again, progress I suppose. Something to be happy about? But it’s not enough.

So here I am writing, hoping it will ease some of the pain and let me take a couple breaths so my head doesn’t explode.

One breath at a time. Standing in front of the fridge door.

I’m doing okay

I’m not being perfect with food… but I’m better. It was my birthday last week. And I think it’s the best one I’ve had in a long time. Everyone really made me feel special. Or maybe I let myself let them make me feel special.Does that make sense?

The “Twitershpere” is an amazing place. I can’t even count how many people wished me a happy birthday. People I’ve never even met said really sweet things about me.

I think I’m slowly moving towards the right direction. I know I’m not being perfect with eating Intuitively. But I know I’m doing so much better than I was six months ago. And I’m proud of that. I’m not expecting a huge change overnight. I’m starting to be a bit happier being me. I think I’m getting a little bit of my confidence back, and I’m going to get back on track.

I know I still have some hard times ahead, but I know I won’t be using food as a crutch anymore.

As much as I’ve been focusing on ‘me’ I haven’t been focusing on ‘me. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense. I think I’ve been trying to fix the causes of stress as I see them instead of trying to work on the deep down inside stuff. I will try to focus on that more this week and next.

My time is running out for my stress leave, and I need to secure an income source, so there is only so much working on ‘me’ I can do right now. At the very least, I have been meditating more, at least once a day, even if it’s only for 5 minutes in the car before a meeting. I’ll do whatever I can. I feel so much better once I have. My heart isn’t racing as quickly, my mind isn’t as jumbled up, I don’t feel so on edge and more. I feel like it’s been calming me down, and I’ve been less likely to go into panic mode when DD starts freaking out or my mother says something abnoxious. It is definately something I want to keep doing, especially in the short term, until I have more time to work on my bigger issues.

Good things are coming. That’s what I’m holding on to today.

Mental Health Mondays

Eating Disorders are one of many mental health issues. I never really considered it a mental health issue until I found myself in the middle of it. Anyhow. I wrote a blog post for my friend at BewilderedBug.com for her “Mental Health Mondays” series this week. Very fitting as this is the first week of my stress leave from work.

Pop over and check out my blog post for Mental Health Mondays on Bewildered Bug’s site at:

http://www.bewilderedbug.com/2012/02/06/mental-health-mondays-eating-disorder-not-otherwise-specified/

Wishing you all good mental health!

Bits and Pieces

I`ve spent over ten years stuffing my face with food instead of dealing with the emotions behind why I was eating.  and now I`m getting better at not stuffing my face and letting the emotions surface.  And its scary and it hurts like hell and I`m breaking down.  I don`t have time to be everything to everyone and do everything and..and..and..

And I am working on it.  I`m`doing the homework`.  I don`t want to do meds.  Those are an absolute last resort for me.  I will figure this out.  I will get through it, but I need support not accusations.  And one of the problems for me is admitting I need help.  And for sharing more than I have.  I haven`t even shared how it`s really made me feel with myself until recently.

And that`s just one more issue to add to my bottomless bucket of issues.  Being able to accept friendship, true deep friendship from someone isn`t easy for me after what happend in all my past relationships.  Everything is coming to a head right now.

I don`t want to take stress leave.  I don`t want to admit I need it.  And the last thing I wanted half an hour before I walked into the docotors was for someone to make me feel like I shouldn`t consider it as an option, that I should just buck up and deal with life.  I`ve been bucking up and dealing with life for the past 10-15 years.  And I had countless bags of chips and pizzas and cheese and sausage to help me get through it.  And i don`t know.  And I`m having a hard time finding my footing trying to find what will help me get through it.  Blogging has been a big help.  But it`s not helping me solve all the problems I need to to make room for the rest of them.

I spend my rides to and from work crying.  I dont focus on anything at work.  If I`m at work, I`m thinking of finding another job and/or starting a business…that I’ve been trying to start for over a year but I’m so damned scatterbrained I can’t even figure out what they hell it is I’m selling.  When I’m focusing on trying to fix one thing, I’m thinking about how I should be focusing on something else.  When I’m with my daughter, I can’t even enjoy being with her because all I think is I need to find another job closer to home.  I could go on writing for the next two days summarizing how each task, object I look at, stuff I smell, taste, hear..is just compounding on me.

I’m a problem-solver.  It’s what I do.  But I don’t have the time to breath, let alone try and figure out which ‘problem’ to solve first.  So, for me.  Stress leave is my best alternative.  I don’t intend to use it sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  I intend to use it to solve as many of these problems as I can so I can get to a normal and hopefully happier life.  I’ve only just begun to touch the surface of all these emotions and look at me.  How am I supposed to get to the root of them all and really deal with them if I don’t have the time working a full time job to deal with it.

People actually take years off work or school (if they are able to) to deal with eating disorders.  It’s not uncommon.  For everyone else, it can take someone up to 7 years to recover from an eatting disorder.  I think the average is two to three years for recovery.  Food is everywhere.  Food is necessary to life.  Having an eating disorder, is not like being an alcoholic or having anxiety.  You can’t just avoid or abstain from food.  You can’t just take meds and stay away from triggers.  Food is always there.  And it takes a lot of conscious effort to not eat a whole brick of cheese when you reaized you fucked up by signing something you didn’t read and you now owe Rogers an extra $420 + because you were so stupid to not read the contract.  So on top of dealing with all the emotions, I have to constantly be vigilant of my hunger levels and fullness levels to be sure I don’t slip back into that.  And while I’m working on this I’m still dealing with body image issues.

It’s exhausting…

a;osin

This nervous twitch is getting worse.  My title to this post is indicative of that.  I didn’t know what title to give this post, and I just spazzed, and that’s what came out…along with me turning on some other weird screen.

So that’s what will stay.

I see the doctor in an hour.  I don’t know what to say or expect or what I even want out of it.  I don’t want meds.  I’m worried she’s going to prescribe meds.  I don’t know…maybe I do need meds.  Just feels like another failure if I do.

Doesn’t help that it looks like the amazing housekeeper I found quit after one day.  Family emergency….who knows…

So, place is a disaster, and I’ve got a friend trying to ‘motivate’ me to do more and I just want to smack her.

DH was sweet the other night and actually asked “What can I do to help?” Huh..nice..my reply was ‘everything’.  He’s made a better attempt at cleaning the kitchen, but he has his own issues….which is just more added to my plate.

Maybe I just need to write and write and write…but one can only write so much.

My mom called…fun…just a matter of time…and I know I can`t handle her this time…not at all

Friend is getting under my skin..stop asking me questions I have no answers to!  fuck..if I knew what I wanted or hoped for i wouldn`t feel so fucking frustrated.

Thank god the tv decided to turn itself back on (it`s been dead for over a week!  Resurrected itself last night..died a bit..then came back on this morning)  just in time to babysit my daughter.

Another thing to make me feel like shit…I`m using tv to distract her so I can do stuff on the computer…sigh..

My head hurts…

Oh lovely..now she`s just telling me to get my shit together and essentially stop bitching and just do what I need to do and cut the other crap.

 

Random Rant

I’m starting to cringe at things.  You probably wouldn’t notice if you were around me.  And I’m finding there is a lot of stuff setting me off.  It’s becoming impossible to live in my house..even though I”ve hired a housekeeper. What’s the point in spending the money when the house is a disaster again within 12 hours?  Mention the word diet to me and I’ll tell you how I feel about them.  If you insist on keeping talking about dieting and eating habits, I start to shut down and I’ll do my best to smile and nod at you.  So far I haven’t started yelling at someone to SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON”T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STUPID DIETING PHILOSOPHIES WHEN I”M IN THE MIDDLE OF DEALING WITH AN EATING DISORDER!  I don’t have the capacity to deal with it.

I’m on the verge of a fight with my mother.  I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.  I have to make my way to work after having only been in the office since Thursday.  I have today, Wednesday and Friday off too..so I really should try to make an appearance tomorrow.

Booked an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.  I need Dr.’s notes anyhow for massage and orthotics.  But I really need a break.  I can’t tell my parents though.  They have a problem with me taking a sick day for a legitimate cold.  Very old fashioned mentalitiy.  I can’t take it.

 

I can’t handle this

I had a break down on Thursday. I was having a pretty good week. Just came back from a group therapy session that went well. I felt like I was getting a good grasp of this Intuitive Eating thing. And I am. It’s a success, I know.

But I can’t handle everything else. I’ve been using food to cope and ignore everything around me. Now as I become more aware of what I’m feeling and why, I’m completely overwhelmed.

I had a problem with my cell phone bill. Called them, turns out I signed something I didn’t read because I was too trusting. I got mad at them, but even more mad at me. And then, looking at finances, realizing we really need more money to make ends meet. And how am I supposed to do that? Trying to balance finding a job or work that I love and enjoy while doing everything else. But that won’t bring in as much money as if I work a regular 9-5..and we’re not talking a few bucks, we’re talking a $20-30K difference.

To realizing I’m the only one who cares and who can or will do anything about.

To looking at the disaster my house is in even though I just spent $90 the day before to have someone clean it.

To getting a text message from my mother that sent me over the edge.

I sat on my kitchen floor and balled my eyes out. Banging my head on the chair leg (not hard to hurt myself, it was more the rythym of it I found soothing. Or something.
Eventually hubby came back in and saw me and I had to eventually calm down.

But things haven’t gotten better. Nothing has changed. I’ve overeatten a bit, but not to the point where I feel ill like I usually would have.

I didn’t go to work Friday. I knew if I did, I would quit, and I can’t afford to quit. We need the money. I need to make money. I don’t want to work..well, not there. I don’t want to commute. I can’t. I cry the whole way down and up.,

When I’m not with my daughter, I wish I was. When I am with her, I am busy working on the computer trying to find another job or working on a business that is not going anywhere.

I’m so scatterbrained, I don’t know where to focus my energy first. I’ve lost my ability to prioritize my life. I’ve lost control of my life.

I’m a problem solver….or at least that’s what I used to be. But I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have to call and see my medical doctor this week. I don’t want meds, I just need a break. I need to figure out what I’m going to, or rather how I’m going to get back in control of my life.

Maybe I’m afraid of going because she won’t agree with me that I need a break. Or that she’ll suggest meds. I don’t want to go on meds.

It may be postpartum depression actually. I think I’ve been avoiding admitting it. I don’t know. I’m just a mess.

But at least I’m not stuffing my face…some progress.

Juggling

I can’t hold all these balls in the air.

They are going to come crashing down any second.

I’m only me.  Me used to be able to handle all the balls.

But today, I can’t.

I don’t want to.  I feel my inner child rebelling.

I don’t want to feel what I feel.  I want to forget.  I want to just eat, and drink and not think of what a failure I feel like.  And not think of how unhappy I am.  Not think of how it feels like there is very little to do and how I can’t change it.

I’m a problem solver.  It’s what I do for a living, and it’s how I approach everything.  What’s the problem, what are the options, creatively think of a solution, apply the solution and problem solved.

It doesn’t work that way with feeling though.  Emotions cannot be rationalized.  I don’t have a solution or a reason or a logical explaination as to why I eat. Other than I eat when I’m upset, or stressed, etc.  I don’t have a solution to ‘fix’ my ‘weight’ problem.

I can take an organization, understand how it works, what it’s weaknesses are, improve it and make it run more efficiently, but I can’t do that to me, to my life.

And that sucks.

I overate tonight, but I don’t feel that guilty

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  My commute is over an hour each way, and it means I’ll be lucky to see my daughter for two or three hours a day during the week.  It is stressing me out.  I am looking for something closer to home, but I also don’t want to just take whatever job comes up.

So today I was stressed and depressed about that.  And I was craving chocolate.  So I ate 6 mini-boxes of smarties and had two glasses of wine.

As I was debating whether or not I should, several things went through my mind…

-I want chocolate

-I want to eat

-Am I hungry? – No

-Do I really want it? – Yes

-Should I – I don’t know

-Why do I want to eat? I’m not hungry. – I’m stressed about going back to work, I’m upset about DH stuff, my knee is bothering me because I’ve gained so much weight and don’t exercise and that upsets me to.  It makes me feel unhealthy, and depressed.

– What else can I do? Ugh..don’t feel like doing anything else…I want chocolate.

-I’m upset, but eating won’t change that

-I want chocolate, it won’t make anything go away, but I still want some and I don’t want to restrict myself and then fall into that trap.

-I’ll have some, and savour each smartie and sip of wine I have.  I won’t over do it and stuff my face, but I will enjoy it.

And so I did.  Maybe I could have stopped after 3 mini-boxes instead of going for 6, but I did savour each one.  Felt the candy slowly melting on my tounge until the shell slightly cracked and I could start tasting the sweetness of chocolate seeping through and felt the thick creaminess of chocolate on my tounge.

At least I was mindful, I didn’t feel deprived.  I didn’t eat twelve boxes like I otherwise might have.  I enjoyed my wine and the slight buzz it has given me.  Just enough to help me drift off to sleep instead of staying up thinking about how I have to go to work tomorrow and that my knee bothers me etc…

I didn’t make the best choice tonight.  But at least I stopped to think about it.  Be mindful about it.  And while I did maybe use food to cope tonight, I did it consciously knowing that I did have another option, but didn’t feel like doing that tonight. I just wanted a moment to enjoy some chocolate and wine.  And I did.