It’s been a while

Sigh.

I think I’m a little better than I was last time I wrote. If only because I’ve sort of taken care of one or two big things that were weighing heavily on me.

But I’m still struggling. And I’m worried about what is coming next. I used to embrace change, be excited about it, THRIVE on it. Now I’m just scared. Well, not 100% at least. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a smudge better. I’m looking forward to something new as far as my employment goes. Although it’s bitter sweet with the way things ended with my previous employment. But I guess that’s how it has to go sometimes.

I feel good that I stood up for myself. And I think it was helpful to know that it wasn’t just my craziness.

I’m trying to get back to my positive happy self. Or at least I’m going to try to ‘fake it till I make it’. If I force myself to smile enough, maybe eventually it will turn into a real smile.

The Intuitive Eating has been coming more naturally to me lately. Although I still have times where I eat mindlessly and start to binge. It’s different now though. I don’t take it as far as I used to. And the guilt isn’t there like it was. It feels better to be comfortable around food, and not fear it.

I’m even starting to speak out more about it to those around me.

I know I still have a long, long way to go to a healthier body. But at least I know I’m making progress on a healthier mind and that is the first step towards a healthier body. I’m ready to start working on a healthier body. Which I think is one of the reasons I’m not too freaked out about the job change. It’s close to home, so I’ll be able to walk. Which will help me get towards a healthier me. Instead of spending over two hours commuting each day, I can spend 40-50 minutes walking (20-25 min each way!). Or maybe I’ll buy a bike. But either way, it will be easier to fit in some exercise that I’m really starting to crave.

I know I can’t just throw myself into a crazy workout regime. It will turn me off and I’ll just stop. But I want to be healthy, and I know that means I need to move around more.

Baby steps…it’s all we can do.

Learning to Eat Intuitively – Delay Eating

These are some notes I made back in the summer while learning to eat intuitively. Not that I think I’ve mastered it yet, but it was the beginning…want to consolidate my thoughts in one place, so moving them here. These were all journal writings I did instead of eating. Basically, when starting to learn to listen to your body and eat intuitively, it’s difficult to distinguish between emotional and physical hunger. For me, I was eating something about every two hours. Questionable if I was actually physically hungry. So when that would happen, my therapist suggested just holding off about ten minutes before eating something and journaling. The idea is to try to figure out why I really wanted to eat. Was it really physical, or was it emotional. These are exceperts and rants over a couple days of me trying this out.

July 13, 2011

7:38pm Was hungry. Distracted myself w setting up journal. Less hungry Now. Very tired. Need to take out contacts. Should probably just go to bed. But want to work on stuff. Think I’m thirsty. Will have water…

7:54 pm I’m hungry again its been coming and going since 7:40pm ish. I’ve had water bc I think I might be thirsty more than hungry. Had a burger and some salad for dinner at 7. Still kind of tired. Want to do some computer stuff before I go to bed.

8:56 pm Now I’m thinking of the cake that’s left in the fridge. Last piece. I’m feeling heartburn a bit. So maybe I am hungry.

July 14, 2011

11:20 am about 11..hungry, i think, not starving, but feel like I’m getting hungry, should I be feeling hungry? or do I just think I should be hungry b/c I haven’t eaten since 7:30, normally had 3 cheese sandwiches by now, going to sbux anyways b/c won’t be eating for a while b/c I am going to curves, so going to have a coffee and eat something.

10:55am in a minute or two, very hungry, empty feeling low in my stomach, feel like I really want to eat

July 15, 2011

8:15am Feelng hungry. In car on way out. Kind of feeling hungry before I left. Emptiness in top of stomach and back of throat. Mouth wet. Have time to kill. Dd napping in car. Want to go to walmart and toysrus before we are due to visit family. Still hunger feeling. Had cheese sandwich and coffee around 7:30. Kinda faint weekish feeling. Thinking of sbux. Will drive a bit first. Will take at least 10 min to get to on on my way to where I’m going anyhow.

7:45pm: I’ve been feeling hungry for a while…since say 5…but I had to feed Dd, DH was sleeping, knew I wouldn’t be having dinner till at least 8….now it’s 8:30 and still waiting for pizza and wings to get here. Had a bit of cheese to help tide me over…didn’t help. Had a beer after putting Dd to bed, not b/c i thought it would fill me up, but b/c I felt like having one. Feeling the urge to completely gorge myself, but will take two slices and my 6 wings on a plate and eat that first, then reasses….hoping food comes soon…