It’s been a while

Sigh.

I think I’m a little better than I was last time I wrote. If only because I’ve sort of taken care of one or two big things that were weighing heavily on me.

But I’m still struggling. And I’m worried about what is coming next. I used to embrace change, be excited about it, THRIVE on it. Now I’m just scared. Well, not 100% at least. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a smudge better. I’m looking forward to something new as far as my employment goes. Although it’s bitter sweet with the way things ended with my previous employment. But I guess that’s how it has to go sometimes.

I feel good that I stood up for myself. And I think it was helpful to know that it wasn’t just my craziness.

I’m trying to get back to my positive happy self. Or at least I’m going to try to ‘fake it till I make it’. If I force myself to smile enough, maybe eventually it will turn into a real smile.

The Intuitive Eating has been coming more naturally to me lately. Although I still have times where I eat mindlessly and start to binge. It’s different now though. I don’t take it as far as I used to. And the guilt isn’t there like it was. It feels better to be comfortable around food, and not fear it.

I’m even starting to speak out more about it to those around me.

I know I still have a long, long way to go to a healthier body. But at least I know I’m making progress on a healthier mind and that is the first step towards a healthier body. I’m ready to start working on a healthier body. Which I think is one of the reasons I’m not too freaked out about the job change. It’s close to home, so I’ll be able to walk. Which will help me get towards a healthier me. Instead of spending over two hours commuting each day, I can spend 40-50 minutes walking (20-25 min each way!). Or maybe I’ll buy a bike. But either way, it will be easier to fit in some exercise that I’m really starting to crave.

I know I can’t just throw myself into a crazy workout regime. It will turn me off and I’ll just stop. But I want to be healthy, and I know that means I need to move around more.

Baby steps…it’s all we can do.

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This is fricken hard

I said I was never going to get on the scale again, but something compelled me to get on. I now weigh about 60 lbs more than I did two weeks after I had my daughter. That’s about 10lbs more than the last time I checked. I don’t care about the numbers. But this isn’t healthy. I’m starting to get scared. I know I have a good grip on this Intuitive Eating thing. I know I’m not 100% there yet, but it’s been at least nine months that I’ve been doing okay, and not binge eating. Maybe I’ve only done it once or twice. A far cry from every day.

Why am I still GAINING weight? WTF?

And then there is everything else. It’s so hard. Difficult. I’m so far from dealing with the root of my problems it seems and I don’t know how I’m going to get there if it’s this painful at the surface. I’ve been off work for almost a month now. The thought of having to deal with all this and having to focus on a job and commute and only two hours a day of seeing my daughter, and maybe 15 minutes to myself..how am I supposed to get better? I don’t want to take meds…but what if they make me go back to work? I’ve been spending my time trying to make it so that I don’t have to go back…but I don’t think it’s an option.

I can’t not go back…I need to make money…and nothing better has come along yet. Maybe I need to switch back to looking for a regualr full-time job closer to home. That makes me shake…physically shake.

I don’t want to deal with it. I want to bury my head in a bag of chips or just curl up into a ball and sleep for a week. I don’t want to keep feeling challenged at each turn. I want peace. I want to be happy. I’m not happy. Except for when I watch DD dancing, or playing so innocently.

I’m so scared I’m going to mess her up with my mess. I have to clean up my mess before I screw her up. She is so sweet and affectionate, and kind, and beautiful. And I’m going to mess it up. I’m so scared I’m going to mess it all up. Maybe I already have.

Ok..time to pull it together, DD is home..

Intuitive Eating Principle #2: Honour Your Hunger

I think I may be having some problems with this principle lately.  Mainly because I’ve been throwing myself into work, and now I’m starting to forget to eat.  I’m becoming more mindless.

In a way it’s good though because I’m sort of getting a better sense of how it feels to really truely be hungry, instead of just thinking I should be hungry because it’s past noon.

I’m just so tired lately..fighting a cold, and fighting emotions.  Throwing myself into finding work and/or a new job so that I can end my commute.  And then hopefully that will give me more room to work on the things I need to work on.

I need some rest, that’s what my body’s telling me….maybe tomorrow…

Juggling

I can’t hold all these balls in the air.

They are going to come crashing down any second.

I’m only me.  Me used to be able to handle all the balls.

But today, I can’t.

I don’t want to.  I feel my inner child rebelling.

I don’t want to feel what I feel.  I want to forget.  I want to just eat, and drink and not think of what a failure I feel like.  And not think of how unhappy I am.  Not think of how it feels like there is very little to do and how I can’t change it.

I’m a problem solver.  It’s what I do for a living, and it’s how I approach everything.  What’s the problem, what are the options, creatively think of a solution, apply the solution and problem solved.

It doesn’t work that way with feeling though.  Emotions cannot be rationalized.  I don’t have a solution or a reason or a logical explaination as to why I eat. Other than I eat when I’m upset, or stressed, etc.  I don’t have a solution to ‘fix’ my ‘weight’ problem.

I can take an organization, understand how it works, what it’s weaknesses are, improve it and make it run more efficiently, but I can’t do that to me, to my life.

And that sucks.

I overate tonight, but I don’t feel that guilty

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  My commute is over an hour each way, and it means I’ll be lucky to see my daughter for two or three hours a day during the week.  It is stressing me out.  I am looking for something closer to home, but I also don’t want to just take whatever job comes up.

So today I was stressed and depressed about that.  And I was craving chocolate.  So I ate 6 mini-boxes of smarties and had two glasses of wine.

As I was debating whether or not I should, several things went through my mind…

-I want chocolate

-I want to eat

-Am I hungry? – No

-Do I really want it? – Yes

-Should I – I don’t know

-Why do I want to eat? I’m not hungry. – I’m stressed about going back to work, I’m upset about DH stuff, my knee is bothering me because I’ve gained so much weight and don’t exercise and that upsets me to.  It makes me feel unhealthy, and depressed.

– What else can I do? Ugh..don’t feel like doing anything else…I want chocolate.

-I’m upset, but eating won’t change that

-I want chocolate, it won’t make anything go away, but I still want some and I don’t want to restrict myself and then fall into that trap.

-I’ll have some, and savour each smartie and sip of wine I have.  I won’t over do it and stuff my face, but I will enjoy it.

And so I did.  Maybe I could have stopped after 3 mini-boxes instead of going for 6, but I did savour each one.  Felt the candy slowly melting on my tounge until the shell slightly cracked and I could start tasting the sweetness of chocolate seeping through and felt the thick creaminess of chocolate on my tounge.

At least I was mindful, I didn’t feel deprived.  I didn’t eat twelve boxes like I otherwise might have.  I enjoyed my wine and the slight buzz it has given me.  Just enough to help me drift off to sleep instead of staying up thinking about how I have to go to work tomorrow and that my knee bothers me etc…

I didn’t make the best choice tonight.  But at least I stopped to think about it.  Be mindful about it.  And while I did maybe use food to cope tonight, I did it consciously knowing that I did have another option, but didn’t feel like doing that tonight. I just wanted a moment to enjoy some chocolate and wine.  And I did.