Bits and Pieces

I`ve spent over ten years stuffing my face with food instead of dealing with the emotions behind why I was eating.  and now I`m getting better at not stuffing my face and letting the emotions surface.  And its scary and it hurts like hell and I`m breaking down.  I don`t have time to be everything to everyone and do everything and..and..and..

And I am working on it.  I`m`doing the homework`.  I don`t want to do meds.  Those are an absolute last resort for me.  I will figure this out.  I will get through it, but I need support not accusations.  And one of the problems for me is admitting I need help.  And for sharing more than I have.  I haven`t even shared how it`s really made me feel with myself until recently.

And that`s just one more issue to add to my bottomless bucket of issues.  Being able to accept friendship, true deep friendship from someone isn`t easy for me after what happend in all my past relationships.  Everything is coming to a head right now.

I don`t want to take stress leave.  I don`t want to admit I need it.  And the last thing I wanted half an hour before I walked into the docotors was for someone to make me feel like I shouldn`t consider it as an option, that I should just buck up and deal with life.  I`ve been bucking up and dealing with life for the past 10-15 years.  And I had countless bags of chips and pizzas and cheese and sausage to help me get through it.  And i don`t know.  And I`m having a hard time finding my footing trying to find what will help me get through it.  Blogging has been a big help.  But it`s not helping me solve all the problems I need to to make room for the rest of them.

I spend my rides to and from work crying.  I dont focus on anything at work.  If I`m at work, I`m thinking of finding another job and/or starting a business…that I’ve been trying to start for over a year but I’m so damned scatterbrained I can’t even figure out what they hell it is I’m selling.  When I’m focusing on trying to fix one thing, I’m thinking about how I should be focusing on something else.  When I’m with my daughter, I can’t even enjoy being with her because all I think is I need to find another job closer to home.  I could go on writing for the next two days summarizing how each task, object I look at, stuff I smell, taste, hear..is just compounding on me.

I’m a problem-solver.  It’s what I do.  But I don’t have the time to breath, let alone try and figure out which ‘problem’ to solve first.  So, for me.  Stress leave is my best alternative.  I don’t intend to use it sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  I intend to use it to solve as many of these problems as I can so I can get to a normal and hopefully happier life.  I’ve only just begun to touch the surface of all these emotions and look at me.  How am I supposed to get to the root of them all and really deal with them if I don’t have the time working a full time job to deal with it.

People actually take years off work or school (if they are able to) to deal with eating disorders.  It’s not uncommon.  For everyone else, it can take someone up to 7 years to recover from an eatting disorder.  I think the average is two to three years for recovery.  Food is everywhere.  Food is necessary to life.  Having an eating disorder, is not like being an alcoholic or having anxiety.  You can’t just avoid or abstain from food.  You can’t just take meds and stay away from triggers.  Food is always there.  And it takes a lot of conscious effort to not eat a whole brick of cheese when you reaized you fucked up by signing something you didn’t read and you now owe Rogers an extra $420 + because you were so stupid to not read the contract.  So on top of dealing with all the emotions, I have to constantly be vigilant of my hunger levels and fullness levels to be sure I don’t slip back into that.  And while I’m working on this I’m still dealing with body image issues.

It’s exhausting…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s