So what about Meds?

My therapist seems to think I’m managing well.  I’ve been making some decisions, or rather they were kind of made for me.

I’m still stressed out.  I’m nervous at what is coming.  I am usually excited about change and whatever is new on the horizon, but this time I’m scared.I’m worried I won’t be able to handle everything that is about to come my way.  I’m worried I won’t be able to make finances work, or keep it together for my possible new job.

And I don’t remember what it was specifically, but I thought, but maybe I don’t have to be this miserable.  I know Cipralex isn’t a magic pill or anything, and I don’t want a happy pill.  I just want to be able to breath. I want some peace.  I try to do that without meds, but it’s only barely working and I still feel like I’m hanging on to my sanity by a thread..or with the help of my daughter’s smile.  I’m not sure which.

I try to meditate, and go for massages.  I’m trying to start walking more.  Sort of.  And I feel like I’m slowly getting it together.  But I’m exhausted.  I need a break but I’m on a break!

And soon I’ll have to start a regular job again.  I’m scared I won’t be able to keep it together.  

And then stuff blows up and I just don’t know if I can manage.

So I’m debating going on the meds.  So it can be a little easier to work through.  I guess, it’s not the being on meds part that worries me right now, it’s the ‘how am I going to react to the meds’.  What if I have some horrible reaction to them? Or what if I space out the way DH did for a week when he was first on them.  I can’t afford to not be fully functional and be me.  Then again, I don’t really feel like I’m me right now either.

I think I’m tired of making decisions.

And as much as I love sunshine..I really don’t like being sweaty..and that’s kind of ticking me off right now too.

Can someone please make me stop bitching!  I’m getting tired of hearing myself bitch!


Random Rant

I’m starting to cringe at things.  You probably wouldn’t notice if you were around me.  And I’m finding there is a lot of stuff setting me off.  It’s becoming impossible to live in my house..even though I”ve hired a housekeeper. What’s the point in spending the money when the house is a disaster again within 12 hours?  Mention the word diet to me and I’ll tell you how I feel about them.  If you insist on keeping talking about dieting and eating habits, I start to shut down and I’ll do my best to smile and nod at you.  So far I haven’t started yelling at someone to SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON”T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STUPID DIETING PHILOSOPHIES WHEN I”M IN THE MIDDLE OF DEALING WITH AN EATING DISORDER!  I don’t have the capacity to deal with it.

I’m on the verge of a fight with my mother.  I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.  I have to make my way to work after having only been in the office since Thursday.  I have today, Wednesday and Friday off I really should try to make an appearance tomorrow.

Booked an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.  I need Dr.’s notes anyhow for massage and orthotics.  But I really need a break.  I can’t tell my parents though.  They have a problem with me taking a sick day for a legitimate cold.  Very old fashioned mentalitiy.  I can’t take it.


I can’t handle this

I had a break down on Thursday. I was having a pretty good week. Just came back from a group therapy session that went well. I felt like I was getting a good grasp of this Intuitive Eating thing. And I am. It’s a success, I know.

But I can’t handle everything else. I’ve been using food to cope and ignore everything around me. Now as I become more aware of what I’m feeling and why, I’m completely overwhelmed.

I had a problem with my cell phone bill. Called them, turns out I signed something I didn’t read because I was too trusting. I got mad at them, but even more mad at me. And then, looking at finances, realizing we really need more money to make ends meet. And how am I supposed to do that? Trying to balance finding a job or work that I love and enjoy while doing everything else. But that won’t bring in as much money as if I work a regular 9-5..and we’re not talking a few bucks, we’re talking a $20-30K difference.

To realizing I’m the only one who cares and who can or will do anything about.

To looking at the disaster my house is in even though I just spent $90 the day before to have someone clean it.

To getting a text message from my mother that sent me over the edge.

I sat on my kitchen floor and balled my eyes out. Banging my head on the chair leg (not hard to hurt myself, it was more the rythym of it I found soothing. Or something.
Eventually hubby came back in and saw me and I had to eventually calm down.

But things haven’t gotten better. Nothing has changed. I’ve overeatten a bit, but not to the point where I feel ill like I usually would have.

I didn’t go to work Friday. I knew if I did, I would quit, and I can’t afford to quit. We need the money. I need to make money. I don’t want to work..well, not there. I don’t want to commute. I can’t. I cry the whole way down and up.,

When I’m not with my daughter, I wish I was. When I am with her, I am busy working on the computer trying to find another job or working on a business that is not going anywhere.

I’m so scatterbrained, I don’t know where to focus my energy first. I’ve lost my ability to prioritize my life. I’ve lost control of my life.

I’m a problem solver….or at least that’s what I used to be. But I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have to call and see my medical doctor this week. I don’t want meds, I just need a break. I need to figure out what I’m going to, or rather how I’m going to get back in control of my life.

Maybe I’m afraid of going because she won’t agree with me that I need a break. Or that she’ll suggest meds. I don’t want to go on meds.

It may be postpartum depression actually. I think I’ve been avoiding admitting it. I don’t know. I’m just a mess.

But at least I’m not stuffing my face…some progress.

What would your “day after” look like?

This post was inspired by effortlessly perfect ‘s blog post, The Day After . :

I don’t know if what I hit was rock bottom.  But I know I was in that position.  Waiting for rock bottom, or some major life event to kick me into recovery…although most of that time I didn’t know or acknowledge that I had an Eating Disorder.  I was in therapy for almost 6 months before I got there. Then I went to a group session with others learning to eat Intuitively.  And for the first time, I truly realized I wasn’t alone.  My therapist told me all the time, but I never really believed it.  I left that group session feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions.  And that is when I started my blog.  But those first few days, maybe even the first week, I felt shattered.  It felt like my whole world was caving in on me.  It was also the same time I think I admitted to myself that I had a problem and it wasn’t my fault.

I’m not sure when everything changed from ‘rock bottom’ to ‘recovery’.  It wasn’t a day, or a moment, it happened slowly over several days.  It may even still be happening.  I don’t feel like I’m as close to rock bottom as I was those few days, but I’m not sure if I’m completely in recovery yet either.

Like someone else who commented on the original post, I have doubts that I can ‘stick’ to recovery.  But that may be because I’m holding on to ‘recovery’ the way someone may hold on to a diet.  Maybe I’ve caught a glimpse of something better through therapy and recovery and I need it to work.  I think that may be next on my list of things to talk about with my therapist.  Isn’t embracing recovery similar to embracing diets and food as a crutch?

I don’t think the day after is going to be a sunshiny day.  But I think that several days, weeks or months later it will be.  Recovery is a process, and just like an alcoholic, we may always be ‘in recovery’.  We will have dark days, but those days will hopefully get to be fewer and farther in between, so that it is easier us for see the sun through those dark clouds.

Talking my way to healthy eating

I’m emotionally exhausted today.  I had three big emotional ‘events’ one being a very good therapy session.

I don’t remember what it was, but I finally decided to get professional help for my ’emotional eating’ some time last summer.  I knew I just couldn’t do this myself.

Maybe it was feeling like I had no one on my side, and just the complete exhaustion of trying to figure it all out myself.  On top of dealing with a new baby and several other issues.

I had been thinking of it for several years, but never took the leap.  I think I felt like I was being weak if I needed ‘professional help’.  That to have to go there meant that there was something ultimately very wrong with me.  But I was at the end of my rope…I had no where else to go and nothing else to try.  I just didn’t have any energy left to diet.  I was done thinking about food and my weight and my lack of exercise.  I couldn’t take it anymore.

And so I did a google search looking for a therapist that could help me.  And I am so happy I did.  I think I’m probably lucky that I found one I connected with right away.  Or maybe it’s because  of my superpower, that I can just connect well with anyone.

Either way, it really is where this journey started.  Realizing that I couldn’t do it all on my own.  That I need help.  That was hard, but it is probably the best thing I have ever done.

I’m still a long way away from where I want to be, but I’ll get there.

If anyone is coming across this page considering therapy, my advice to you is go, find someone.  At least try it, you can always stop if it’s not for you.  But I believe that if you think you need help, chances are you probably do.  And that’s okay, you’re not the only one.