I’m Angry

Remember the scene from Pretty Woman where Richard Gere is saying how he paid his therapist tons of money so that he could finally say he was angry with his dad? That’s how I feel right now..but about that ‘diet’ industry and society in general.

I came across the following image on Pinterest through someone I know on Twitter, which was based on the original article at: http://www.fastcoexist.com/1679717/you-eat-worse-than-you-think


My comment on that site is also pasted below and I think makes for a good blog entry today…



Being restrictive because of health reasons (diabetes, high blood pressure, etc) is one thing. Being restrictive with what you eat in general because you think it’s ‘healthier’ is NOT healthy.  It’s what leads to eating disorders. The fact that foods are labeled as ‘healthy’ or ‘not healthy’ is a problem in and of itself. Yes, some foods have more nutritional value than others, but there is a place for all food in our lives. If we listen to our bodies and eat what tastes good to us without restricting or creating forbidden foods and stop when we are satisfied, we are healthier overall. Sure, when someone is following a ‘diet’ and ‘thinking about food’ they may guilt themselves, force themselves, bribe themselves, or whatever into eating more nutritious foods, but it will only last while they are on the diet. As soon as they go off the ‘diet’ they will binge and/or have other unhealthy issues with food or exercise. Where the people who are eating normally are likely making some unhealthy choices, it balances out over time and overall they are healthier in body AND MIND. Diet’s don’t work! If they did it wouldn’t be a multi-billion dollar industry!

Think of a baby. They know when they’re hungry. They cry. We feed them…when they have had enough they turn away, or throw the food away. They won’t eat no matter how much you try to force it down their throats. They haven’t been brainwashed by society into thinking they need to eat less to be thin, or eat more to make someone happy (or because there are starving children somewhere.). We get bombarded with messages about thinness, and dieting disguised as health. We have been led to believe that certain foods are ‘good’ and others are ‘bad’. We have built up food to be our enemy. And we have stopped listening to our bodies to tell us when we are hungry.

Can you imagine the relief of not obsessing about food 24 hours a day? To eat naturally, the way nature intended us to eat? To be able to go to a restaurant without wondering if you will be able to find something that meets your diet criteria (of course allergies and legitimate health reasons aside).

Can you trust your own body to tell you what it needs? Try paying more attention to what it’s telling you instead of what the media, friends, family, and heck.. even doctor’s sometimes, are saying. You know what’s best for you..not someone who is looking to profit off of your insecurity and vulnerability.

Day By Day

I’m so annoyed I lost my last post.

Well, at least I got a lot out.

So, this one will be shorter because I’m supposed to be going on a date with DH, but it’s almost 7…don’t think I’m getting my movie…

Anyhow… I had been talking about recovery.

I feel so much more free and ‘lighter’ now that I’m doing better with my eating disorder. I’m not afraid to be around food, or go out to dinner (if we ever get there..) or get together with friends. I’m much better at listening to my body and being mindful.

It reminds me of “You have no power over me” From the Labyrinth movie…. Maybe I’m dating myself..oh well.

But it’s really how I feel now. My weaknesses were chips, cheese and my parents’ homemade sausage. I don’t remember the last time I polished off a whole bag of chips. And my parents gave me a bunch of sausage last week and I’ve only had half a piece so far.

I can keep all of that stuff in the house now. And if I want it, I eat it. And I stop when I’m full. Most of the time… the odd time I still relapse…but I don’t beat myself up over it.

It’s a similar feeling/relief to when I stopped smoking. It was good, it was positive, it felt great. And I’m not just saying that. My original post said it much more eloquently, but now I’m getting tired of writing.

One day at a time is all we can do. Food isn’t a source of stress for me anymore. I don’t have to think about it or worry about it. I eventually want to get to eating healthier and exercising more, and I’m slowly on my way. I just know that I can’t rush it. I have to let my mind get healthy and be happy before I can take care of everything else, like my body and everyone else who relies on me.

I’m getting there…day by day.

It’s been a while


I think I’m a little better than I was last time I wrote. If only because I’ve sort of taken care of one or two big things that were weighing heavily on me.

But I’m still struggling. And I’m worried about what is coming next. I used to embrace change, be excited about it, THRIVE on it. Now I’m just scared. Well, not 100% at least. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a smudge better. I’m looking forward to something new as far as my employment goes. Although it’s bitter sweet with the way things ended with my previous employment. But I guess that’s how it has to go sometimes.

I feel good that I stood up for myself. And I think it was helpful to know that it wasn’t just my craziness.

I’m trying to get back to my positive happy self. Or at least I’m going to try to ‘fake it till I make it’. If I force myself to smile enough, maybe eventually it will turn into a real smile.

The Intuitive Eating has been coming more naturally to me lately. Although I still have times where I eat mindlessly and start to binge. It’s different now though. I don’t take it as far as I used to. And the guilt isn’t there like it was. It feels better to be comfortable around food, and not fear it.

I’m even starting to speak out more about it to those around me.

I know I still have a long, long way to go to a healthier body. But at least I know I’m making progress on a healthier mind and that is the first step towards a healthier body. I’m ready to start working on a healthier body. Which I think is one of the reasons I’m not too freaked out about the job change. It’s close to home, so I’ll be able to walk. Which will help me get towards a healthier me. Instead of spending over two hours commuting each day, I can spend 40-50 minutes walking (20-25 min each way!). Or maybe I’ll buy a bike. But either way, it will be easier to fit in some exercise that I’m really starting to crave.

I know I can’t just throw myself into a crazy workout regime. It will turn me off and I’ll just stop. But I want to be healthy, and I know that means I need to move around more.

Baby steps…it’s all we can do.

The Fridge Door

I open the fridge door. I look inside. I see the cheese. I just want to take the whole brick and eat it. I want to eat the left over chicken. The pasta. The chips in the cupboard. The chocolates on the counter, and the rest that are hidden. I want to drink till I fall asleep.

I stand at the fridge door, looking inside. And know that none of them will really satisfy me. No matter if I eat it all. Progress I suppose.

But I don’t want to feel this. Anything but this. Just keep breathing. One breath at a time. It’s just feelings, emotions. They will pass. They will get stronger, ease up, and eventually i will push them to a place where I can take the next breath. And then the next.

And maybe one day I will get to have several breaths in a row with out it being a chore.

I feel like I’m drowning, and all I want is to just get out of the water and walk. Fuck swimming..I’ll just take a boat. Just give me the boat. Where is the fucking boat?

I just want to breath.

I don’t want to eat. But I do want to. But not because I’m hungry. Because I hope that it will make this pain go away. I know it won’t, so what’s the point. It doesn’t work like it used to. Again, progress I suppose. Something to be happy about? But it’s not enough.

So here I am writing, hoping it will ease some of the pain and let me take a couple breaths so my head doesn’t explode.

One breath at a time. Standing in front of the fridge door.

So what about Meds?

My therapist seems to think I’m managing well.  I’ve been making some decisions, or rather they were kind of made for me.

I’m still stressed out.  I’m nervous at what is coming.  I am usually excited about change and whatever is new on the horizon, but this time I’m scared.I’m worried I won’t be able to handle everything that is about to come my way.  I’m worried I won’t be able to make finances work, or keep it together for my possible new job.

And I don’t remember what it was specifically, but I thought, but maybe I don’t have to be this miserable.  I know Cipralex isn’t a magic pill or anything, and I don’t want a happy pill.  I just want to be able to breath. I want some peace.  I try to do that without meds, but it’s only barely working and I still feel like I’m hanging on to my sanity by a thread..or with the help of my daughter’s smile.  I’m not sure which.

I try to meditate, and go for massages.  I’m trying to start walking more.  Sort of.  And I feel like I’m slowly getting it together.  But I’m exhausted.  I need a break but I’m on a break!

And soon I’ll have to start a regular job again.  I’m scared I won’t be able to keep it together.  

And then stuff blows up and I just don’t know if I can manage.

So I’m debating going on the meds.  So it can be a little easier to work through.  I guess, it’s not the being on meds part that worries me right now, it’s the ‘how am I going to react to the meds’.  What if I have some horrible reaction to them? Or what if I space out the way DH did for a week when he was first on them.  I can’t afford to not be fully functional and be me.  Then again, I don’t really feel like I’m me right now either.

I think I’m tired of making decisions.

And as much as I love sunshine..I really don’t like being sweaty..and that’s kind of ticking me off right now too.

Can someone please make me stop bitching!  I’m getting tired of hearing myself bitch!


Why does it always feel like everything happens at once

It’s been a fucking roller coaster the past week. I don’t know how I managed to survive it really. Maybe because the ride is still moving.

All I really want to do is eat. I just want to go to the store and buy three bags of chips and sit on my couch and eat them.

I want my life back, so I’m not going to do that. I need to make some changes. Not even that….stuff just needs to get decided and I need to focus. I need to decide to be happy maybe. I don’t know.

I need to re-learn what makes me happy? I went to a workshop the other day and was balling my eyes out when the guy said everyone’s definition of success should be ‘to be happy’.

I want that kind of success. I want the kind of success that makes me happy to jump out of bed in the morning. I don’t think I’ve ever had that..have I? If I did it feels like forever ago.

Why do I feel like more than a mess than ever? Hhmm..maybe has to do with the fact that as my employer was threatening to fire me in not so few words…all I could think was, ‘Great…someone else I’ve let down.’

I just can’t focus on anything. If I”m doing one thing, I think about the other thing I should be doing. I feel like I have ADD, but I don’t think that’s what it is. I used to be so with it. What the fuck happened?