Learning to Eat Intuitively – Delay Eating

These are some notes I made back in the summer while learning to eat intuitively. Not that I think I’ve mastered it yet, but it was the beginning…want to consolidate my thoughts in one place, so moving them here. These were all journal writings I did instead of eating. Basically, when starting to learn to listen to your body and eat intuitively, it’s difficult to distinguish between emotional and physical hunger. For me, I was eating something about every two hours. Questionable if I was actually physically hungry. So when that would happen, my therapist suggested just holding off about ten minutes before eating something and journaling. The idea is to try to figure out why I really wanted to eat. Was it really physical, or was it emotional. These are exceperts and rants over a couple days of me trying this out.

July 13, 2011

7:38pm Was hungry. Distracted myself w setting up journal. Less hungry Now. Very tired. Need to take out contacts. Should probably just go to bed. But want to work on stuff. Think I’m thirsty. Will have water…

7:54 pm I’m hungry again its been coming and going since 7:40pm ish. I’ve had water bc I think I might be thirsty more than hungry. Had a burger and some salad for dinner at 7. Still kind of tired. Want to do some computer stuff before I go to bed.

8:56 pm Now I’m thinking of the cake that’s left in the fridge. Last piece. I’m feeling heartburn a bit. So maybe I am hungry.

July 14, 2011

11:20 am about 11..hungry, i think, not starving, but feel like I’m getting hungry, should I be feeling hungry? or do I just think I should be hungry b/c I haven’t eaten since 7:30, normally had 3 cheese sandwiches by now, going to sbux anyways b/c won’t be eating for a while b/c I am going to curves, so going to have a coffee and eat something.

10:55am in a minute or two, very hungry, empty feeling low in my stomach, feel like I really want to eat

July 15, 2011

8:15am Feelng hungry. In car on way out. Kind of feeling hungry before I left. Emptiness in top of stomach and back of throat. Mouth wet. Have time to kill. Dd napping in car. Want to go to walmart and toysrus before we are due to visit family. Still hunger feeling. Had cheese sandwich and coffee around 7:30. Kinda faint weekish feeling. Thinking of sbux. Will drive a bit first. Will take at least 10 min to get to on on my way to where I’m going anyhow.

7:45pm: I’ve been feeling hungry for a while…since say 5…but I had to feed Dd, DH was sleeping, knew I wouldn’t be having dinner till at least 8….now it’s 8:30 and still waiting for pizza and wings to get here. Had a bit of cheese to help tide me over…didn’t help. Had a beer after putting Dd to bed, not b/c i thought it would fill me up, but b/c I felt like having one. Feeling the urge to completely gorge myself, but will take two slices and my 6 wings on a plate and eat that first, then reasses….hoping food comes soon…

Bits and Pieces

I`ve spent over ten years stuffing my face with food instead of dealing with the emotions behind why I was eating.  and now I`m getting better at not stuffing my face and letting the emotions surface.  And its scary and it hurts like hell and I`m breaking down.  I don`t have time to be everything to everyone and do everything and..and..and..

And I am working on it.  I`m`doing the homework`.  I don`t want to do meds.  Those are an absolute last resort for me.  I will figure this out.  I will get through it, but I need support not accusations.  And one of the problems for me is admitting I need help.  And for sharing more than I have.  I haven`t even shared how it`s really made me feel with myself until recently.

And that`s just one more issue to add to my bottomless bucket of issues.  Being able to accept friendship, true deep friendship from someone isn`t easy for me after what happend in all my past relationships.  Everything is coming to a head right now.

I don`t want to take stress leave.  I don`t want to admit I need it.  And the last thing I wanted half an hour before I walked into the docotors was for someone to make me feel like I shouldn`t consider it as an option, that I should just buck up and deal with life.  I`ve been bucking up and dealing with life for the past 10-15 years.  And I had countless bags of chips and pizzas and cheese and sausage to help me get through it.  And i don`t know.  And I`m having a hard time finding my footing trying to find what will help me get through it.  Blogging has been a big help.  But it`s not helping me solve all the problems I need to to make room for the rest of them.

I spend my rides to and from work crying.  I dont focus on anything at work.  If I`m at work, I`m thinking of finding another job and/or starting a business…that I’ve been trying to start for over a year but I’m so damned scatterbrained I can’t even figure out what they hell it is I’m selling.  When I’m focusing on trying to fix one thing, I’m thinking about how I should be focusing on something else.  When I’m with my daughter, I can’t even enjoy being with her because all I think is I need to find another job closer to home.  I could go on writing for the next two days summarizing how each task, object I look at, stuff I smell, taste, hear..is just compounding on me.

I’m a problem-solver.  It’s what I do.  But I don’t have the time to breath, let alone try and figure out which ‘problem’ to solve first.  So, for me.  Stress leave is my best alternative.  I don’t intend to use it sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  I intend to use it to solve as many of these problems as I can so I can get to a normal and hopefully happier life.  I’ve only just begun to touch the surface of all these emotions and look at me.  How am I supposed to get to the root of them all and really deal with them if I don’t have the time working a full time job to deal with it.

People actually take years off work or school (if they are able to) to deal with eating disorders.  It’s not uncommon.  For everyone else, it can take someone up to 7 years to recover from an eatting disorder.  I think the average is two to three years for recovery.  Food is everywhere.  Food is necessary to life.  Having an eating disorder, is not like being an alcoholic or having anxiety.  You can’t just avoid or abstain from food.  You can’t just take meds and stay away from triggers.  Food is always there.  And it takes a lot of conscious effort to not eat a whole brick of cheese when you reaized you fucked up by signing something you didn’t read and you now owe Rogers an extra $420 + because you were so stupid to not read the contract.  So on top of dealing with all the emotions, I have to constantly be vigilant of my hunger levels and fullness levels to be sure I don’t slip back into that.  And while I’m working on this I’m still dealing with body image issues.

It’s exhausting…

a;osin

This nervous twitch is getting worse.  My title to this post is indicative of that.  I didn’t know what title to give this post, and I just spazzed, and that’s what came out…along with me turning on some other weird screen.

So that’s what will stay.

I see the doctor in an hour.  I don’t know what to say or expect or what I even want out of it.  I don’t want meds.  I’m worried she’s going to prescribe meds.  I don’t know…maybe I do need meds.  Just feels like another failure if I do.

Doesn’t help that it looks like the amazing housekeeper I found quit after one day.  Family emergency….who knows…

So, place is a disaster, and I’ve got a friend trying to ‘motivate’ me to do more and I just want to smack her.

DH was sweet the other night and actually asked “What can I do to help?” Huh..nice..my reply was ‘everything’.  He’s made a better attempt at cleaning the kitchen, but he has his own issues….which is just more added to my plate.

Maybe I just need to write and write and write…but one can only write so much.

My mom called…fun…just a matter of time…and I know I can`t handle her this time…not at all

Friend is getting under my skin..stop asking me questions I have no answers to!  fuck..if I knew what I wanted or hoped for i wouldn`t feel so fucking frustrated.

Thank god the tv decided to turn itself back on (it`s been dead for over a week!  Resurrected itself last night..died a bit..then came back on this morning)  just in time to babysit my daughter.

Another thing to make me feel like shit…I`m using tv to distract her so I can do stuff on the computer…sigh..

My head hurts…

Oh lovely..now she`s just telling me to get my shit together and essentially stop bitching and just do what I need to do and cut the other crap.

 

Random Rant

I’m starting to cringe at things.  You probably wouldn’t notice if you were around me.  And I’m finding there is a lot of stuff setting me off.  It’s becoming impossible to live in my house..even though I”ve hired a housekeeper. What’s the point in spending the money when the house is a disaster again within 12 hours?  Mention the word diet to me and I’ll tell you how I feel about them.  If you insist on keeping talking about dieting and eating habits, I start to shut down and I’ll do my best to smile and nod at you.  So far I haven’t started yelling at someone to SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON”T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STUPID DIETING PHILOSOPHIES WHEN I”M IN THE MIDDLE OF DEALING WITH AN EATING DISORDER!  I don’t have the capacity to deal with it.

I’m on the verge of a fight with my mother.  I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.  I have to make my way to work after having only been in the office since Thursday.  I have today, Wednesday and Friday off too..so I really should try to make an appearance tomorrow.

Booked an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.  I need Dr.’s notes anyhow for massage and orthotics.  But I really need a break.  I can’t tell my parents though.  They have a problem with me taking a sick day for a legitimate cold.  Very old fashioned mentalitiy.  I can’t take it.

 

I can’t handle this

I had a break down on Thursday. I was having a pretty good week. Just came back from a group therapy session that went well. I felt like I was getting a good grasp of this Intuitive Eating thing. And I am. It’s a success, I know.

But I can’t handle everything else. I’ve been using food to cope and ignore everything around me. Now as I become more aware of what I’m feeling and why, I’m completely overwhelmed.

I had a problem with my cell phone bill. Called them, turns out I signed something I didn’t read because I was too trusting. I got mad at them, but even more mad at me. And then, looking at finances, realizing we really need more money to make ends meet. And how am I supposed to do that? Trying to balance finding a job or work that I love and enjoy while doing everything else. But that won’t bring in as much money as if I work a regular 9-5..and we’re not talking a few bucks, we’re talking a $20-30K difference.

To realizing I’m the only one who cares and who can or will do anything about.

To looking at the disaster my house is in even though I just spent $90 the day before to have someone clean it.

To getting a text message from my mother that sent me over the edge.

I sat on my kitchen floor and balled my eyes out. Banging my head on the chair leg (not hard to hurt myself, it was more the rythym of it I found soothing. Or something.
Eventually hubby came back in and saw me and I had to eventually calm down.

But things haven’t gotten better. Nothing has changed. I’ve overeatten a bit, but not to the point where I feel ill like I usually would have.

I didn’t go to work Friday. I knew if I did, I would quit, and I can’t afford to quit. We need the money. I need to make money. I don’t want to work..well, not there. I don’t want to commute. I can’t. I cry the whole way down and up.,

When I’m not with my daughter, I wish I was. When I am with her, I am busy working on the computer trying to find another job or working on a business that is not going anywhere.

I’m so scatterbrained, I don’t know where to focus my energy first. I’ve lost my ability to prioritize my life. I’ve lost control of my life.

I’m a problem solver….or at least that’s what I used to be. But I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have to call and see my medical doctor this week. I don’t want meds, I just need a break. I need to figure out what I’m going to, or rather how I’m going to get back in control of my life.

Maybe I’m afraid of going because she won’t agree with me that I need a break. Or that she’ll suggest meds. I don’t want to go on meds.

It may be postpartum depression actually. I think I’ve been avoiding admitting it. I don’t know. I’m just a mess.

But at least I’m not stuffing my face…some progress.

Intuitive Eating Principle #2: Honour Your Hunger

I think I may be having some problems with this principle lately.  Mainly because I’ve been throwing myself into work, and now I’m starting to forget to eat.  I’m becoming more mindless.

In a way it’s good though because I’m sort of getting a better sense of how it feels to really truely be hungry, instead of just thinking I should be hungry because it’s past noon.

I’m just so tired lately..fighting a cold, and fighting emotions.  Throwing myself into finding work and/or a new job so that I can end my commute.  And then hopefully that will give me more room to work on the things I need to work on.

I need some rest, that’s what my body’s telling me….maybe tomorrow…

Juggling

I can’t hold all these balls in the air.

They are going to come crashing down any second.

I’m only me.  Me used to be able to handle all the balls.

But today, I can’t.

I don’t want to.  I feel my inner child rebelling.

I don’t want to feel what I feel.  I want to forget.  I want to just eat, and drink and not think of what a failure I feel like.  And not think of how unhappy I am.  Not think of how it feels like there is very little to do and how I can’t change it.

I’m a problem solver.  It’s what I do for a living, and it’s how I approach everything.  What’s the problem, what are the options, creatively think of a solution, apply the solution and problem solved.

It doesn’t work that way with feeling though.  Emotions cannot be rationalized.  I don’t have a solution or a reason or a logical explaination as to why I eat. Other than I eat when I’m upset, or stressed, etc.  I don’t have a solution to ‘fix’ my ‘weight’ problem.

I can take an organization, understand how it works, what it’s weaknesses are, improve it and make it run more efficiently, but I can’t do that to me, to my life.

And that sucks.

Ah. Here is something I can do on the subway

I really notice a difference when I stop blogging. I become less aware and am more likely to get down on myself. Despite my successes.

I’m sitting on the subway for the first time in about a year and a half. I’m spilling over into the other seat and the poor guy next to me has to sit scorched at the end of the seat so we aren’t all squashed. At least in not in the middle. Still, makes me feel like I’ve failed.

But wait! I’ve already done something good today! I did a little bit of exercise! It was only about 5min, and just a few situps pushups and stretches, but more than I’ve done in a long time.

After reading @fit_vs_fiction ‘s post about the gym, I realized I have to start thinking about exercise differently. Or rather I have to find a way past the stigma society, and my family have put on exercise as a means to lose weight. It’s the same stuff as with the food. I do WANT to exercise. But when it seems like work, or like I’m burning off calories, it seems to be the same sort of feelings I get when I get the ‘diet mentality’

As I started counting the number of situps I was doing I came to a decision. I’m not going to COUNT! Who cares if it’s 10 or 15? I’m just going to do them until I feel like ive done enough. And that way, (just like eating) ill be listening to my body to decide if it feels like its ready to stop.

Who cares if it’s 10 minutes or 30 that I’ve walked? At least I walked! I don’t need to track the time. Because somewhere in my head there is a magic number (that keeps changing) that I’ll never reach. So. I’ll just do what my body wants to do and be happy that I’m doing something good that makes me FEEL good.

I overate tonight, but I don’t feel that guilty

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  My commute is over an hour each way, and it means I’ll be lucky to see my daughter for two or three hours a day during the week.  It is stressing me out.  I am looking for something closer to home, but I also don’t want to just take whatever job comes up.

So today I was stressed and depressed about that.  And I was craving chocolate.  So I ate 6 mini-boxes of smarties and had two glasses of wine.

As I was debating whether or not I should, several things went through my mind…

-I want chocolate

-I want to eat

-Am I hungry? – No

-Do I really want it? – Yes

-Should I – I don’t know

-Why do I want to eat? I’m not hungry. – I’m stressed about going back to work, I’m upset about DH stuff, my knee is bothering me because I’ve gained so much weight and don’t exercise and that upsets me to.  It makes me feel unhealthy, and depressed.

– What else can I do? Ugh..don’t feel like doing anything else…I want chocolate.

-I’m upset, but eating won’t change that

-I want chocolate, it won’t make anything go away, but I still want some and I don’t want to restrict myself and then fall into that trap.

-I’ll have some, and savour each smartie and sip of wine I have.  I won’t over do it and stuff my face, but I will enjoy it.

And so I did.  Maybe I could have stopped after 3 mini-boxes instead of going for 6, but I did savour each one.  Felt the candy slowly melting on my tounge until the shell slightly cracked and I could start tasting the sweetness of chocolate seeping through and felt the thick creaminess of chocolate on my tounge.

At least I was mindful, I didn’t feel deprived.  I didn’t eat twelve boxes like I otherwise might have.  I enjoyed my wine and the slight buzz it has given me.  Just enough to help me drift off to sleep instead of staying up thinking about how I have to go to work tomorrow and that my knee bothers me etc…

I didn’t make the best choice tonight.  But at least I stopped to think about it.  Be mindful about it.  And while I did maybe use food to cope tonight, I did it consciously knowing that I did have another option, but didn’t feel like doing that tonight. I just wanted a moment to enjoy some chocolate and wine.  And I did.

Do things for myself?

One of the reasons I’m having the problems I have, I think, is because I give (or maybe gave) so much of myself to others, but wasn’t getting the same in return.  I wasn’t getting the connection I wanted.  While I take/took care of everything and everyone around me, no one was/is taking care of me.

So I think in order to get a small sense of being taken care of, I stopped doing a lot of things.  Even simple things like getting up to get myself a glass of water.  I would wait until DH came down and ask him to get me a glass of water.  Just so that for one moment, I could feel like he was taking care of me.

While DH is great at ‘doing’ just about everything I ask.  I don’t feel taken care of.  It feels like there is always something I need to do in return.  It’s not unconditional.  Or maybe it’s because I want more than to have to ask him for things.  I think there is a lot more to say about all this, but I don’t have much time right now.

I had to write something though, because as we were eating lunch, and I asked him how I can try to fit in more exercise into our routine/life this year, his response was that I should go back to doing things for myself, and then if I still wanted more ‘exercise’ to do everything for him.  I sat silently, not really knowing how to respond, because I’m trying to stop and sit with the feeling and figure out what it is. And in the middle of trying to do that, I realized I had picked up another chicken nugget, and was eating it despite the fact I was full.  I noticed I was full.  And I didn’t go and eat the other five that are still sitting there.  I got up from the table just to be sure I wouldn’t.  As much as the emotional stuff sucked, it was a good moment.  I’m getting there.