It’s been a fucking roller coaster the past week. I don’t know how I managed to survive it really. Maybe because the ride is still moving.
All I really want to do is eat. I just want to go to the store and buy three bags of chips and sit on my couch and eat them.
I want my life back, so I’m not going to do that. I need to make some changes. Not even that….stuff just needs to get decided and I need to focus. I need to decide to be happy maybe. I don’t know.
I need to re-learn what makes me happy? I went to a workshop the other day and was balling my eyes out when the guy said everyone’s definition of success should be ‘to be happy’.
I want that kind of success. I want the kind of success that makes me happy to jump out of bed in the morning. I don’t think I’ve ever had that..have I? If I did it feels like forever ago.
Why do I feel like more than a mess than ever? Hhmm..maybe has to do with the fact that as my employer was threatening to fire me in not so few words…all I could think was, ‘Great…someone else I’ve let down.’
I just can’t focus on anything. If I”m doing one thing, I think about the other thing I should be doing. I feel like I have ADD, but I don’t think that’s what it is. I used to be so with it. What the fuck happened?
I’m not happy.
And there are many reasons…I think. Or maybe there are none. I don’t konw. But I do know one thing.
I lost my happy somewhere along the way.
I was driving on Friday. A song came on and I cried. It was ‘You Shook Me all night long..” That used to be one of my happy songs. It used to be one of the songs I would always have to dance to. I would always sing along. It would always make me smile. I’m not sure why it used to do that to me, but it did. A lot of songs did.
But not anymore.
I used to love dancing. Now I just love the thought of it. If even.
I used to be happy. Where did my happy go?
Are you Happy?
Where is the flow chart for “Change Something” ? Because that is definately not just one step. It’s more like 4,743,094 well, maybe a little less if you’re lucky.
I’m not ready to try and be positive and embrace life yet. I’ve been pretending that life was all hunky dorey and wonderful to avoid dealing with the reality that it’s not. That I’m not happy. I’m not exactly sure what I’m not happy about, but I’m not happy.
Yes, I want to be happy. But what is the ‘something’ I need to change to get there? It’s not that simple. So, today, I’m still not happy. Because I can’t figure out what that something I need to change is. And once I do figure out what that something is, I have to figure out how to change it. Because ‘things’ don’t happen in isolation. If being alone and living in the woods off the land would be what my ‘something’ is, that isn’t going to work. Because I have family that I love and that I want to be with. And I need to take all of that and me, my feelings, my limitations, and who knows what else into account before I can actually do anything about it.
I remember my first boyfriend asking me what I wanted out of life (I was about 16/17)..My gut response was “To be happy”. And he kept asking, “What makes you happy?”, “How do you know if you’re happy?” And I don’t think I really had any responses for him. It was something vague like “I just am”. I don’t know if I’ve ever been really completely happy since then.
Maybe I have an unrealistic view of what happy is. Maybe, I’m placing too much importance on being happy instead of just being.
It’s not that simple!