Where did my happy go?

I’m not happy.

And there are many reasons…I think. Or maybe there are none. I don’t konw. But I do know one thing.

I lost my happy somewhere along the way.

I was driving on Friday. A song came on and I cried. It was ‘You Shook Me all night long..” That used to be one of my happy songs. It used to be one of the songs I would always have to dance to. I would always sing along. It would always make me smile. I’m not sure why it used to do that to me, but it did. A lot of songs did.

But not anymore.

I used to love dancing. Now I just love the thought of it. If even.

I used to be happy. Where did my happy go?

This is fricken hard

I said I was never going to get on the scale again, but something compelled me to get on. I now weigh about 60 lbs more than I did two weeks after I had my daughter. That’s about 10lbs more than the last time I checked. I don’t care about the numbers. But this isn’t healthy. I’m starting to get scared. I know I have a good grip on this Intuitive Eating thing. I know I’m not 100% there yet, but it’s been at least nine months that I’ve been doing okay, and not binge eating. Maybe I’ve only done it once or twice. A far cry from every day.

Why am I still GAINING weight? WTF?

And then there is everything else. It’s so hard. Difficult. I’m so far from dealing with the root of my problems it seems and I don’t know how I’m going to get there if it’s this painful at the surface. I’ve been off work for almost a month now. The thought of having to deal with all this and having to focus on a job and commute and only two hours a day of seeing my daughter, and maybe 15 minutes to myself..how am I supposed to get better? I don’t want to take meds…but what if they make me go back to work? I’ve been spending my time trying to make it so that I don’t have to go back…but I don’t think it’s an option.

I can’t not go back…I need to make money…and nothing better has come along yet. Maybe I need to switch back to looking for a regualr full-time job closer to home. That makes me shake…physically shake.

I don’t want to deal with it. I want to bury my head in a bag of chips or just curl up into a ball and sleep for a week. I don’t want to keep feeling challenged at each turn. I want peace. I want to be happy. I’m not happy. Except for when I watch DD dancing, or playing so innocently.

I’m so scared I’m going to mess her up with my mess. I have to clean up my mess before I screw her up. She is so sweet and affectionate, and kind, and beautiful. And I’m going to mess it up. I’m so scared I’m going to mess it all up. Maybe I already have.

Ok..time to pull it together, DD is home..

I’m doing okay

I’m not being perfect with food… but I’m better. It was my birthday last week. And I think it’s the best one I’ve had in a long time. Everyone really made me feel special. Or maybe I let myself let them make me feel special.Does that make sense?

The “Twitershpere” is an amazing place. I can’t even count how many people wished me a happy birthday. People I’ve never even met said really sweet things about me.

I think I’m slowly moving towards the right direction. I know I’m not being perfect with eating Intuitively. But I know I’m doing so much better than I was six months ago. And I’m proud of that. I’m not expecting a huge change overnight. I’m starting to be a bit happier being me. I think I’m getting a little bit of my confidence back, and I’m going to get back on track.

I know I still have some hard times ahead, but I know I won’t be using food as a crutch anymore.

As much as I’ve been focusing on ‘me’ I haven’t been focusing on ‘me. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense. I think I’ve been trying to fix the causes of stress as I see them instead of trying to work on the deep down inside stuff. I will try to focus on that more this week and next.

My time is running out for my stress leave, and I need to secure an income source, so there is only so much working on ‘me’ I can do right now. At the very least, I have been meditating more, at least once a day, even if it’s only for 5 minutes in the car before a meeting. I’ll do whatever I can. I feel so much better once I have. My heart isn’t racing as quickly, my mind isn’t as jumbled up, I don’t feel so on edge and more. I feel like it’s been calming me down, and I’ve been less likely to go into panic mode when DD starts freaking out or my mother says something abnoxious. It is definately something I want to keep doing, especially in the short term, until I have more time to work on my bigger issues.

Good things are coming. That’s what I’m holding on to today.

Dear Person in my Life

Dear Person in my Life,

I have an eating disorder.  I use food to cope with emotional stress.  I use food as a way to avoid awkward or uncomfortable situations.  I eat mindlessly. 

I have been a disordered eater for a very long time.  I always thought that it was just because I lacked will-power.  I wasn’t trying hard enought to stick to a diet.  I wasn’t eating the right foods.  I wasn’t exercising enough.  I was a failure.  I wasn’t worthy of being thin.

This all probably started around the time I was healthy and happy and didn’t think about food.  Until someone maybe pointed out I should.  Or maybe the media did.  Or maybe it was one of several stressful situations in my life I couldn’t handle. 

But you thought I was handling everything fine, because I always ‘stayed strong’.  I was always positive.  I always pulled through.

The only thing that made me appear strong, determined and composed on the outside, was the fact I would eat when no one was looking.  And eat, and eat.  But it pulled me through whatever it was that was going on.  It could have been something as simple as a store clerk making an off-hand comment, to dealing with the death or sickness of a loved one. 

Having an eating disorder is not about food. It’s about emotions.  And not dealing with them in a healthy way.  On many levels it’s similar to being a drug addict or alcoholic.  But it’s not as easy to avoid food.  It’s always available and necessary to life.

I am a super-feeler.  Even small things make me feel big emotions.  Good or bad.  So that little comment you make, that you think is a joke, may not be interpreted as funny by me.  I care deeply, I love deeply, I feel pain deeply, I hurt deeply.  It’s exhausting.

I can’t use food to deal with this anymore.  I want to be healthier and more active.  I want to be able to chase my daughter around, play in the snow and do so many things.

So, I’ve started getting better.  I’m seeing a therapist who is wonderful.  I’m learning how to be more mindful in my eating and all the things I do.  And I have gotten much better at not using food to cope. 

Until I didn’t.  Without turning to food, all these emotions are crashing down on me.  Some days are good, others aren’t.  Everything feels like a chore.  Everything seems to stress me out.

I’m following the Intuitive Eating principles.  I eat when I’m hungry, I eat what I want, no food is forbidden, I pay attention when I eat and listen to my body.  I stop when I’m full.  If I slip up, I don’t beat myself up over it.  I have rejected the diet mentality.  Diet’s don’t work.  Don’t talk to me about dieting or that this food is bad for you and that one is good. 

I’m working on getting better, but I can’t do it alone.

I need you to understand what I’m going through isn’t easy.  I can’t just pick up and move on.  I need a break.  I need to find myself again.  I need to figure out what I want and how I want to live. 

I don’t need suggestions.  I don’t need recommendations.  I just need support.

I need you to understand that I’m under a lot of stress, and that I may say or do (or not say or not do) things that are not about you, or what you just said or did.  I am learning new ways to react to situations that cause me stress.  And it may be as simple as you making a comment about the weather.

Please be patient with me.  Please be kind.  Please just love me as you do and understand I love you too regardless if I may seem like I don’t.

I just need time to get sorted and find a new way to deal with everything.  It is not going to be easy and I’ve only just begun.

I love you.


Fit vs. Fiction's Blog

It’s midnight on Sunday. The streets are quiet. I see a few people leaving a closing restaurant and a couple of cars heading home. I can’t quite decide if the mood is peaceful or creepy. I’ve been walking for 20 minutes and still have another 40 to go before I get there. “There” being the gym. The only 24 hour gym in the neighborhood. Once there, my plan is to do an hour of cardio activity, followed by an hour of strength training. I’m not looking forward to it. I’d much rather be in bed, sound asleep, like the rest of the civilized world, but I feel compelled. Earlier in the evening, I had let my emotions get the best of me..again. I can’t remember what did it this time, but whatever it was, sent me right to the kitchen to eat my feelings away. So here I am, alone…

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