This is fricken hard

I said I was never going to get on the scale again, but something compelled me to get on. I now weigh about 60 lbs more than I did two weeks after I had my daughter. That’s about 10lbs more than the last time I checked. I don’t care about the numbers. But this isn’t healthy. I’m starting to get scared. I know I have a good grip on this Intuitive Eating thing. I know I’m not 100% there yet, but it’s been at least nine months that I’ve been doing okay, and not binge eating. Maybe I’ve only done it once or twice. A far cry from every day.

Why am I still GAINING weight? WTF?

And then there is everything else. It’s so hard. Difficult. I’m so far from dealing with the root of my problems it seems and I don’t know how I’m going to get there if it’s this painful at the surface. I’ve been off work for almost a month now. The thought of having to deal with all this and having to focus on a job and commute and only two hours a day of seeing my daughter, and maybe 15 minutes to myself..how am I supposed to get better? I don’t want to take meds…but what if they make me go back to work? I’ve been spending my time trying to make it so that I don’t have to go back…but I don’t think it’s an option.

I can’t not go back…I need to make money…and nothing better has come along yet. Maybe I need to switch back to looking for a regualr full-time job closer to home. That makes me shake…physically shake.

I don’t want to deal with it. I want to bury my head in a bag of chips or just curl up into a ball and sleep for a week. I don’t want to keep feeling challenged at each turn. I want peace. I want to be happy. I’m not happy. Except for when I watch DD dancing, or playing so innocently.

I’m so scared I’m going to mess her up with my mess. I have to clean up my mess before I screw her up. She is so sweet and affectionate, and kind, and beautiful. And I’m going to mess it up. I’m so scared I’m going to mess it all up. Maybe I already have.

Ok..time to pull it together, DD is home..

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2 comments on “This is fricken hard

  1. Friend says:

    This really touched me. hope you’re in a much better place in 2013. Love and light.

    • myiejourney says:

      I didn’t realize this blog was still active. I actually moved it over to http://intuitiveeating.ca But I haven’t been writing much since last year anyhow. I am much much better than when I wrote this post. I am close to the root of the problem. It’s a process. Thank you for your comment. 🙂

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